Dear Diary,
I have kept it from everyone with regards to my pregnancy. December 14th, was the date I did a test on the HCG that I bought from Watson. I felt super tired despite having enough ample of sleep. Nauseous, vomiting & craving for sugary food. I took the test on the morning of December 14th and the result were positive. I was very unsure as i had the Mirena in my womb so it is unlikely to be pregnant. December 25th, i did a check again and it still came out positive.
My gynae appointment is a month away. I didnt know what went into my head but abortion is strictly out of the list. I had massive panic anxiety attacks, crying every night & thinking how could i even raise a child on my own. Am I capable enough?
It took me 2 weeks to finally get on my feet & tell myself, " Syima, you are gonna be a mom. Even if it takes for you to raise your child single hand, you can do it. I lead my life as per usual. Had always been feeling lethargic, hungry & emotional.
Now i know why Chloe had always head bumping her head towards my tummy and had always been so closed to me. She was protecting her little brother/sister. I have been keeping a lot from people lately. I deactivated every social media, trying to heal & accepting the fact it is what it is.
January, I was counting down to the days that i am going to visit the gynae. Praying that my baby will be fine & the Mirena is safe to be pulled out without affecting my baby. Everyday i did Dzikir to my baby "subhanallah walhamdulillah wa la ilaha illallah wa allahu akbar" while pating Chloe to sleep as well.
17th January, the day i had fever flu like symptom. Went to A&E and totally forgot that i was pregnant as i was worried for my fever. Went home & slept like a log. My fever reached at its peak of 42 degrees. Was so weak that i can even get up to go to the toilet. Exactly at midnight, i had a severe cramp on my lower abdomen. It was even worst than the period cramp. My thoughts were like "ya i didnt poop the whole day that was why it trigger. I went to the toilet slowly and blood gushing through my thighs. I only realize it when i was in the toilet. There i knew. I lost my baby. There was a sudden urge of something pushing out from my womb and there was my baby. Such a tiny flesh with full of blood. I cried in the toilet for hours.
I had on and off high fever till last night on the 20th Jan, that was the worst fever i had. My head was spinning non stop & vomited on and on. Drank the water that my grandmother gave me to help with my immune and i broke into cold sweat & shivering. Fall asleep at 3 am.
I woke up this morning feeling a bit better but still recovering from my flu & cough and also the lost of my baby. I do not know how many months old it was in my womb neither its gender. But in my religion, if a child was lost due to miscarriage without knowing its gender, it should be named as a male. I named him Cassius Ali, the name that the father wanted to name if we have a son in the future which is unlikely to happen too.
I accept the lost. Even if i had lost him in this world, Allah knows the best. May we be reunited in Jannah my Love. Thank you for letting me feel how it is like to have a soul in my womb. I see you on the other side, Cassius Ali.
Xoxo:
_galangal_
