A letter to my Mother

 Dear Diary, 

I would like to write a letter to everyone.

Dear Mama, 

Through out my entire 29 years of life with you, never have I was rude, being insolent, disrespect you or talk behind your back. I listened to all your command. To be a clever child & had always studied hard to achieve good grades in school. 

The trauma that you have put me through, made a huge impact in life as a human being. Since I was a child, i had always being called an introvert. Kept things to myself, not wanting to make friends & had always been day dreaming. 

Do you know why ? FEAR. The fear of being judge as a person. I am not pretty. Not the popular girl in school. You had always differentiate me & other people's children who are skinny, smart & clean. But how was i suppose to be all of that whereas you did not brought me up well ?

Living in fear of getting beaten up, my head being hit towards the wall for the mistakes that could be rectify, for the mistakes that my siblings did & for the anger you had for Ayah. Do you know this caused me trauma ? 

As i grew older and the amount of religion that was taught, i have learnt to accept the fact that no matter what is it, you are still my mother. Everyday, i tried my best to be a better daughter. Yes i turned rebel. But did you know why ? It is not because i mixed with wrong company. It was because that kind of company gave me a SAFE place which i can confide into. Got love & attention from and i could talk about anything.

Ma, i was there for you. During the time you wanted to commit suicide by swallowing all the pills as you caught Ayah cheating ? When you got chased out by one of our relatives, i was there for you Ma. Living in an interim flat with a drug abuser. Everyday we prayed so that person could move out asap. Till we got to select our rental flat like finally after 2 years of waiting ? I was the one who went to look around that area and told you which unit to take. Literally i was there for you Ma.

But you had always find my mistakes and such. You had always hate the things that i do because you wanted things to be in your way. 

You even blamed me that i had someone else that was why i did not agree to marry Abdullah. But did you know what i went through with him? I tried talking to you Ma. But you did not want to listen. You had only find fault with me. Blaming me for the things that i never did. Today you failed to pass me back my Debit Card. I do not know if you kept forgetting or was there someone who avoided you to pass my card ? You didnt even invite me for dinner last Sunday. Why Ma ? It is so saddening because some people lost their mother but i have a mother whom i cannot seek shelter, comfort & cry my sorrow out. 

Am i not your child Ma? Am i not a good daughter to you ? 

I have tried my best Ma. I really did. Do know for whatever it is, you are still my mother. 

With much love, 

Your eldest daughter