Ending 2022 with a bliss Part One

 Dear Diary, 

Back date from 18 December till today, i had so much fun despite still in the healing process. 

Christmas Wonderland: 18 Dec 2022

Was suppose to have Zohor & Asar pray at Masjid Sultan but both of us were on red light. Thank you love for finding time to go on a date with for an entire day despite your busy schedule & being a wife. Had so much things we catch up and all. I really had a great time with you. To more outings ahead love <3 

22nd December 2022:Night ride gateway with Luke.

The last time i met him was a few years back and we both went MIA. He added me on FB a few days before and asked how has he been doing. Asked me out and me just being fickle minded so i met him after work. 

Went for a ride and had a catch up about work, housing & much more. Him turning 40 next year and still not planning to settle down. He asked " what about you? No one special right now" I told him that i am just tired to get hurt over and over again. Didnt say much about what happened to me but i told i finally found peace being alone. No commitment with people, responsibilities and i could be friends with whoever i want without seeking consent from anyone. Sent me home and sat down under my void deck and chatted again till 4.30am. "This was the longest time i have spent time with you babe." We hugged & bid goodbye and he said "Im gonna meet you oten aite?" I laughed and waved goodbye to him. 

25th December 2022: A short staycay

Booked a last minute staycay at Hamilton Hotel & it was indeed peaceful compare to Nuve Urbane. Had a good sleep on my own. Relaxed, rewind & meditate with Netlfix & good food. I woke up feeling fresh, went for breakfast and head over to my mum's place after MONTHS of not visiting her. A lot of catch up too but i didnt say anything much neither she asked anything much during the times that i had depression. 

To summarize my posting for today, i just felt that all along the love that i had been seeking,craving & wanting for was actually to love myself to the most. But i know all these were written by the Almighty give me a lesson & an impression on how hurtful it is to hope for humans & to love humans who doesnt do the same to you. Through out this whole month of healing, i have met different kind of people especially MEN from different background. 

Majority were seeking for lust and in order to get it, they masked love out of it. Damn daddy, this baby aint that dumb anymore to be falling for that. Even if i want to sleep around, i would still choose who i want to sleep with. Honestly, i find that meeting new people was great. Most were friendly and know their boundaries. While some, urghhh red flag bruhh. I cannot brain with the idea of falling for people even without meeting them. I dont know maybe it is because i have already closed the doors to my heart or i have set my own boundaries. Either or. But yeah i am happy right now. With myself, my friends, my family & my baby Chloe. Grateful for all. Alhamdulilah. 

 I fought & own the battle with my own inner demons. I can finally sleep well without the help of the sleeping pills. By 10 pm i already TOh. There are some days which i struggle to wake up as i needed more sleep but after that i as fine. I could concentrate with work better and looking forward for school in January 2023. Bali trip has to be cancelled but it is alright. Money can find but not myself. Lost myself a lot of times and finally at the age of 29, i found myself. I unmasked my true self without any worries nor doubts. 

I have met and fall in love badly with the wrong person in 2022. But that doesnt kill me nor put a halt to my healing process. I do pass by some places which reminds me of him but i am strong to move on peacefully alone just myself and i. 

I forgave everyone who had cause hurt & trauma to my inner self & i forgave myself for being too nice and let the wrong people walk into my life and destroyed it even further. 

2023, i am ready - it is all about galangal's achievements & success. 

Xoxo 

_galangal_

Moving On 💋

Dear Diary, 

I feel different now. No longer looking for love. No longer looking for companionship. I found love in myself. I found happiness in myself. 

Phone maybe dry as fuck but the least i am at peace. Doing my own stuff. Reading my book. Loving my cat and ensuring my room, myself & my toilet smells nice. It is all about smelling nice. 

Finally i found the meaning to find Allah's love. The love for Allah. We live for Allah. I guess that was why Allah distanced me & CW. Because Allah knows he is not the one. Even this heart has only his name, his features and his voice, i know i could not change the fate. I am still moving on. I let him go. But i am not ready for another love. Not that i am hurt but i want to be cautious and not fall for the wrong person again. 

There were a lot of signs. But I ignore it. Now i realise. All are clear. Allah showing me signs that i dont need anybody. I need Him all along. I feel peace and calm. Though at times i dreamnt about CW alot but i know its all a part of healing. Cant deny that i love him still, i miss him a lot. But that doesnt change the fact that i chose my own happiness. 

Now its all for Allah. Let love comes by for Allah. For the sake of Allah. I may be a sinner. But Allah is the Most Merciful & the Most Forgiving. I shall move along slowly to where my destiny was meant for me. 

I am not broken. I am not sad. I am feeling grateful that i finally found myself and to love my wholeheartedly. 6 months was indeed fast. I realised i loved him the most. But i accepted the fact that he was not meant to be mine. 

Xoxo 💋

_galangal