I slept at 2 am last night. But kept waking up intervally due to the itch that i always had around my thighs & buttocks.
Mak woke up me up at 7 am for a jog but i somehow could not. Woke up at 10.50 am & was just in time to order Big Breakfast deluxe from MCd. Hehehe. I didnt have Mcd breakfast in July. Which means i can have it twice !
Today i had a counselling via Zoom which i will share later on. After that, i brought Mak to Sheng Siong to buy groceries. Bought quite a handful for groceries for home & work. Went home to put all the bags and parked the trolley at the void deck (Babe will always judge me for this. ALWAYS) Then head down to the newly renovated Ayer Rajah Food Court. Ordered Indian Rojak with Satay. Been awhile i brought her out for dinner.
Today at 2pm, the counselor called via Zoom. I havent even started i already cried a bucket. I talked about my trauma. How i am not close to my family. How i didnt have the courage to speak up more to my family whenever i am having problems. The trauma of being judge, being penalize, being shamed & being mentioned not remembering Allah or i am just following my emotions. That leaded me to be keeping alot to myself.
I talked about how i was as a person, i had always put others 1st ahead of me but i didnt get anything in return but being hurt on and on. I had always been a giver but never a receiver.
I talked about how i am now, having fear to trust that there are people for. Having fear that people would give up on me because of my current stage. My worst downfall in life. How others are not there for me when i really need to talk. How i need a person who could just come to me automatically mett me and just give me a long hug and let me cry all out & tell me "we got this. Im in this with you. You will get better".
I talked about my suicide attempts & thoughts. The reason i hold on to it was because of 1 main person. My grandmother. Half of me says "End it Syima. Just jump and die. You have been in a lot of pain for so long". Another part of me "Remember Mak. She only has you to look up to."
The counselor urgently told me to go to IMH asap to seek immediate Psychiatrist help & medication. She mentioned to do things that could distract my attention. She mentioned to journal it down of hoe my day is going. She even mentioned to do abit of Homework on what do i expect from a partner and we will discuss it again next Friday.
I called IMH if i could get an appointment via call. (Stupid but i know i couldnt) and they asked what happened and i told them the same thing. They urgently tell me to go to IMH but i could only go on Sunday. They were worried as 5 days is quite long to seek help from IMH. They asked for close friends numbers so that they could call them. I had only given Aiqa's & Naqiah's. I couldnt give Babe's number as Babe is out of SG.
I cried a lot today. Sharing all my problems, my feelings, my trauma & my fears. My closest friend, especially Naqiah, just couldnt believe that i am at this plight as she forsee me as the strongest woman she had ever met. She was wrong. I wasnt.
Dear Jags,
I might need to miss this Sunday's match. My prayers will always be with you guys. Aamiin.
Xoxo, ❤️
_galangal_
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