To A Great New Start

Dear Diary, 

This will be the last post for this blog. Finally i had the strength to let go of the last strain of my traumas, unlock the last lock of my past baggage and forgave myself for putting myself into much danger. I could finally see things clearly. Being more cautious with people and to protect myself more than being a people pleaser. 

I cannot change the fact for what had happened. The people who i love did not love me as much as i did, i was taken for a ride, outcasted by my own family and the most precious gift that i had lost - my child. Things happened for a reason. It was all planned by Allah swt. Be it good or bad, it has always been the best for His servant in this dunya. 

I am going to let this blog stay as it is. A reminder that not everyone you could pour your heart into. Some are just passing clouds. The passing clouds that hurt you the most. 

Lastly, i am embarking on a new journey. A journey that will forever give me light, compassion, respect and the dream that i had wanted to achieve. It is alright to fail this module. Nothing can bring me down now. 

With much love and misses 

_galangal_ 

Failure is the start of a new beginning.

Dear Diary, 

On the last day of Ramadhan, i got my results for my previous module. Instead of being happy for Raya the next day, it was indeed an emotional night. Gotten an F. I knew I didn't do well for the paper, the quiz and the assignments. 

Still on the period of healing even though i chose to leave. The loss of my child and i had the answer that it was true, Charles didn't love wholeheartedly. It was indeed the worst trauma and pain that i had ever encountered. Flashbacks started when he once told me that he failed his degree and master due to what Dashani did to him, mentally & emotionally torturing him. He did the same as well. I wasn't wrong for being a rebound to him.

But fret not, this is not gonna bring my guts down to achieve the things that i would want to do. To be a counselor for Youths, Inmates & people who are struggling with mental health. It shall all start in me. 

I knew i was just a rebound. If he truly loves me, he would not have gaslighted me, played the victim card and blamed my depression for the downfall of this relationship. But itsokay. I forgave for what he did. Kept him in my prayers so that Allah showed him the path and let him feel what i felt all along. Kifarah sure exists. It was written in the Quran, never let a woman shed her tears especially when she is in her sujood and crying to Allah for what that person did. Kifarah happens not just to the person. It may happen to their loved ones too. 

The pain that you brought to me, will i remember for the rest of my life. May you feel how painful it is being treated that way. May Allah return back to you for the things that you did to me. I am not gonna be the woman who only led you to Allah and the mother to Cassius. I will always be the woman whom you gonna remember that you have hurt and mistreated badly. You led me to healing but you destroyed my life and my hope for you. 

Thank you and May Allah show you the path. 

Xoxo 

_galangal_

Eid Mubarak !

Eid Mubarak to all Muslims & Muslimahs in this Dunya! First day of Syawal was lit but so so hot to the core! Spamming raya pics here ! 

The relapse i had was indeed scary. Suddenly my brain was zoning out, my mood was low and being suicidal everyday. No. Not because of this person. But another person who insisted on having closure, who never fails to keep me in the loop. Who wants to see me crumbling down and destroy me. The person who brought me to healing but hurt me the most. 

In the journey of healing, you are not alone. Allah is there. Allah sent someone to be there to support, to assure and to always remind you that whatever obstacles to come, always remember our Creator. For whatever hardship shall come ease. Thank you Abie. You are indeed a blessing in disguise. There was a reason why we separated 11 years ago. 

Keep us in your prayers.

Xoxo

_galangal_ ♥️

Relapse.

Dear Diary, 

I dont know if they just want to destroy my happiness or if they just want to see me suffer without them. It took me months to finally move forward. Not looking back anymore. But I don't seem to understand by the sentence of "found your peace/ person" but you are still reading my blog, visit my ig, fb and twitter. 

But nevertheless, i have already forgiven you. I knew i was just a rebound. You did not love me that much as what you meant. I was dumb. I should have just left from the start. But yeah. Out of love, i stayed still. Till I can't hold it any longer. That was when i decided to leave. The day i decided to leave was the closure i had given to you. 

I know this relapse is even worse than before. Waking up feeling lethargic, hopeless and endless suicidal thoughts really tempts me a lot. But it is okay. I shall and i will overcome it and heal properly. 

I believe in Allah's plan. He opened up my eyes, my mind and my heart. There was a reason why me & Taufik parted. Allah put the both of us into so much heartbreak and pain. When Allah reunites us back, it was so unbelievable this was what a true healthy  relationship is. I felt calm. I am at peace. Even when there are doubts, he never failed to reassure that it will be okay. 

Its a matter of time. I have put everything behind. The rest i leave it to Allah swt. 

Xoxo 

_galangal_

Forgiveness Part II

The hardest battle of a human is to forgive. Many have forgotten that Allah swt is The Most Merciful & forgives each of his servant who seek forgiveness and repent. Also not forgetting Prophet Muhammsd saw forgives his Ummah who repents and seeks refuge in Allah swt. This journey battling with depression was clearly about forgiving myself and forgiving the people who caused such chaos in my life. It hurts, shattered my hope, losing myself and feeling hopeless being a human despite being an empath. I didn't ask for it but Allah created me this way. Last Saturday was the last hard cry that i ever had in my entire life. I forgave the people who mistreated me, who caused a big impact on my mental health. Thank you for all the lessons. I learnt a lot - the hard way. The rest i shall leave it to Allah swt. "For every hardship shall come ease" Quran 94:5, Al-Inshirah

Xoxo, 

_galangal_ 

The Last Cry

Dear Diary, 

On that day when Charles send me that text, it brought me down into anxiety and i had suicidal thoughts. I am really moving forward with life but somehow the person who said i wamted to destroy his life was trying to destroy mine.  Wasnt being myself this whole day and i asked Taufik if i can come over. Just didnt feel like going home. 

The moment he look into my eyes and asked me whats wrong, i just burst into tears. It was not the silent cry. I was wailing, grieving my lungs out on Taufik's chest. No words could describe that feeling. The cries answers it all. Taufik was comforting me, told me to isghtifar and let me cry all out.  

Finally i could breath and was much calmer than before. This will be my final cry for someone who destroyed my life and my mental health.  For someone who gaslighted me badly without realising it and that someone who took me for a ride. 

I am no longer angry neither citing any grudges. But i believe in Allah's plan and i leave it to Allah swt to deal with him. May you treat this lady fairly not like how you treated me and not to cheat like how you did to Dashani. 

I am not gonna be a person like you who destroy someone's life. The truth shall be told one day.  You may be somewhere up there now but Allah could take it away from you anytime.  

I accepted the fact sincerely that i was put through this test. There will always be a rainbow after a heavy downpour. I felt relieve after that hard cry. May Allah give me strength and hidayah to be a better woman and grant me Jannah.  

Xoxo, 

_galangal_