After work i decided to treat myself to Pistachio Crepe @ MadlyGood. Should have gotten the waffles instead but itsokay. I shall wait for Babe to be back in Mainland and have waffles with him instead. I really miss that annoying ass.
I had been hard on myself, trying to get good with my emotions, my well being, mental health & my happiness. Have not been eating well & sleeping well eversince i decided not to agree to the wedding. My maternal side wasnt that happy which they did know my side of the story. I shall continue that part whenever i am ready.
Surprisingly Babe gave me a call before i reached the cafe. The thoughts that count is greatly appreciated. When i sat at the cafe, look at the Rink and i remember Jia Xin. Thought she was working on that day but sadly not. Crepe came in 10 minutes but sadly i couldnt finish it up. Had been for a few months i couldnt finish my food or i ate smaller portions. But itsokay, start small and end it big but not to grow big for sure. Unless bigger boobs and a firmer ass like Beyonce. 👅👅👅
Walked out of the cafe and passed by the Claw Machine. Spent 30$ and hoping to get the Snorlax but gotten the Minion instead. Minion pon miniom lah. At least i have gotten something.
Didnt want to go home but yeah i calmed myself down and comfort myself to go home cause Mak will for sure wait for me.
So earlier on today, i thought it through, - i needed help. Last night, i was on suicidal thoughts again and gotten a grip of myself and went for a run. Ran for a good 1.5 hours and my lungs. I cried while running cause i didnt know who should i confide in to pour my sadness out and tell me "hey it is okay. I am here. No matter what happens, we are going through this together." I only had that once. But then i never. i started to keep it to myself cause of the trust towards others were getting thinner. What if i share or pour out my sadness and then they judged me ? Then they left me because i am difficult or childish ?
I never had a great childhood. it had always been violence and fear. The only comfort & shelter i seeked was from my grandparents. But that was not the kind of love, attention & affection that i had always wanted.
I had given up seeking love. The more i seek, the more heartbreak i received. If Babe was sent by Allah, i am grateful for that. But if he is not, i would never love again neither could i.
I submitted an email to the Silver Ribbon Project to seek help for counselling. In totality, i had tried to commit suicide twice & once on Suicidal thoughts. The centre called me at around 2 pm & fix an appointment for me with a counsellor 2 pm tomorrow. Hopefully with this, i could heal from the past and move on with life with full of happiness for myself.
Its not that i dont want to lose Babe. But he was my person. A character of a person that i had always wanted to be in life. The Male version of Galangal. Mostly sweet at times with a dash of humor, annoying & could joke around with. But i do not want to hurt him despite of all this sadness i had in me. The fear, the trauma & all those negativity. If only i had met Babe very early, i guess i would be the most happiest woman on Earth.
I know i suck now. It is not that i am self pity on myself. I just want a person who never gives up on me and push mr through all these so that i could stand on my feet again - STRONGER. I do not know how am i suppose to put this in a way to make Babe understand what i really wanted. But itsokay, time will tell.
That is all for tonight. Will update how the counselling goes tomorrow.
Love,
XoXo
_galangal_
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