Am i still drowning ?

Dear Diary, 

I don't know why. Why do i still feel like i am drowning. Sometimes i am fine and sometimes i am low as hell. It is suffocating to be at this stage right now. 

I can't brush it off because it will affect me again in the future. Many told me, "it is alright. Even if it takes for you to be alone to be happy, carry on. Let what others think of you." But being a family oriented person, it is hard. 

I do love my family. I went through a lot. Be it financially, physically & emotionally - i was always there. Even if it is not my responsibility, i still did it. For the sake of my family. The people whom i love. 

I didn't get much love back then. I gave all i had to get love. To feel love. But when i am being told, "you need to love yourself 1st". How do i even when i am already empty ? 

I do not know how the hell I am supposed to get it out of my brain. It hurts. To see & to think about it. Being nice makes you feel like trash at the end of the day. 

I am eagerly looking forward to healing. To shine once again and be happy. I really do. I am truthfully exhausted in and out. 

Suicidal thoughts have been running into my mind a lot. This afternoon i had the thought too. I fought it hard. I really did. I can't cry anymore. I am exhausted. I really am. 

For once can i just end my life ? So that i would not feel anymore pain ? I am really battling with my inner demon. I am really controlling the urge to kill myself. I really do. 

XoXo,

_galangal_