Alhamdulilah for this journey

Dear Diary, 

So many things happened in 2022. Syukur alhamdulilah for all the hurdles that i went through. I am at peace and being calm even if there is a slight sadness lingering in this little heart. 

I finally understood that the people i have met were either manipulative, narcissistic or only accept me on their own terms but never wholeheartedly. The last relationship i had, somehow hit me hard in the head. Realising that this is not the kind of love. It is not based on 50/50 or gender equality. It is not about putting yourself 1st before everything. 

But it's about putting 100% into the relationship to build a great empire, give & take, push and pull & know when to draw the line when it intrudes your boundaries. If you aren't 100% into the relationship, my question was, what is the point of having one? For the sake of lust? Being alone? 

I got to know quite a handful of men and the majority are just red flags. I don't know why but my heart isn't ready. There wasn't any connection. Couldnt vibe. Or i could merely be their friends. Not more than that. 

No. It is not about wanting to be back with CW. It no longer exists in my mind. Love is there but that doesn't mean i have to lose my dignity to someone who doesn't value me for what i already am. Moving forward i accept the fact. It was all just passing by. Why must i stay if i were to live in fear. Full of doubts and insecurities. Constant reassurance was a hassle but little did he understand what i felt within. There are 2 different meanings by keeping a relationship in private and keeping a relationship in secret.

One thing i am proud of myself, i am no longer in fear. No longer having nightmares. No longer having doubts and no longer feeling sad. I felt so much peace. I felt so calm.and no longer hopping on the sleeping pills to sleep. Alhamdulilah for everything.  

Allah took C.A from me. Maybe there is a reason. The reason that there would not be any dispute of having C.A under whose custody that would bring trauma to him. But its okay my little boxer. Mama will see you soon. 

I have forgiven everyone. It is not about happiness all time round. It is more about being at peace. I am happy that i made the move to leave my last relationship for the sake of my peace and my mental health.

I believe in Allah's plan.  Alhamdulilah for everything. 

_XoXo_ 

Little Boxer's Mama 

_galangal_