I had the thoughts again last night. It wasnt about jumping down from the window. I was an inch close to gobble down all the anti depressant pills and to put myself to sleep till i wont wake up anymore.
Battling with this is hard. You cant even let it out to your love ones due to fear. Fear they will say you are not healing. But little did they know that it is hard.
I took a step back from all of these people. Who literally say they are here for me or they want to be there for me. In an actually account, they are not. They cant even listen. The attentiom was not meant for me either.
All the words mentioned to me saying i was "self pity", i needed help, i didnt heal & such, is really demoralising. It brought me down to the ground. I realise all that. I know their intention was to make me realise. But at times, they dont realise it either. They cant accept the fact that i want to make them realise too. I am always the sort of person who would hurt you with the truth so that you can see the big picture. But these people dont understand but did all that to me.
I came to a point where i realise i do not want to talk neither do i want to listen. Cause by both ways, i wont heard at all. Everyone needs a listening ear. So do i. But these people when they listen, they wanna talk alot. They would say these and that. Which at times doesnt help me at all. But when it comes to them, i am the one who is causing them to hurt. Because they just want me to listen.
I can accept all forms of feedback. Be it good or harsh. But before you want to do that to me, mirror yourself. Dont think highly of yourself. God is greater and higher than you. Anytime everything could dissapear within a second.
All i could do is to just keep quiet and create a distance from everyone. If it takes me to be alone to cure, i wouldnt mind. Afterall i had God. I would rather go through this journey on my own.
XoXo,
_galangal_
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