Dear Diary,
Today i realised that i have been in a lot of toxic relationships throughout my whole entire life. I had always been a giver and never once a receiver. All along they only needed me but never wanted me for sure.
I had given all my love in my past relationships and marriage but never i felt that kind of love i have been giving before. Till i feel empty. I do not know how to differentiate what it is like to be in love again. Without having doubts or being skeptical. I had always been a positive human through all past relationships. It was always me who does the job, who fixes and fights to save the relationship.
To a point where i do not know in my upcoming relationship, will i ever have the strength to fight and fix my upcoming relationship whenever i have problems. After all of this happens, i am starting to have doubts in relationships. Will i be happy ? Will it be a fair relationship ? The 50/50 rule. How am i going to react?
Honestly i do not want to hurt anybody nor do i want to be hurt too. I don't want to make anyone a rebound nor do I want to be a rebound to anyone.
I should really heal. Practice self love, compassion, give myself space & time to appreciate my own me time. I had always been there for anyone who was important to me.
Right now, i really drew a think line. Creating boundaries & being distance to all of them that never understood me at all.
I prayed for peace & calm. To heal and be happy once again. I am slowly letting go of what was not meant to be fine and all the trauma that had made an impact in my mental health.
I have forgiven everyone. I forgave myself. Now is the time to love myself better and heal from all the wounds.
May one day, true love will come without me seeking. That will be the greatest relationship and marriage i am going to have till death do us apart. In shaa Allah warasul
XoXo,
_galangal_
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