Empty Soul

Dear Diary, 

I am dying inside. As much as I portray myself being fine or being okay, deep inside i am numb. I am no longer sad. I am no longer feeling hurt. Just numb. But i fought  it through. I like wearing a suit and a mask. Showing people that i am alright. But when i got home, i revealed my darkest self. So empty so numb and low. 

It is not about being lonely. It is not about forgiving. It is not about healing. It is so empty. What is love ? I don't know. I don't know what it is like to be receiving love. I doubt myself. Is this for real ? Is he the one ? Is he gonna hurt me badly one day ? 

I am so lost. As much as this feeling i get from, i just do not want to have a fear of loving a person so deeply and getting myself hurt deeply in the end. 

I do not want to go through that phase anymore. Sleepless nights. Lose of appetite. Crying non-stop. So low and keep thinking of suicidal thoughts. I wished i could end my life. End my misery. 

They kept saying - i am too good. They don't deserve me. But why do they never choose to let me go ? I don't know. I am not sad. No longer sad. Because i have yet to be with someone who will say "i am so lucky to have you in my life. I deserve you for the rest of my life.". But never. Never in my life for now. 

I am no longer searching for answers. If it is meant to be, it will be. Yes it is empty - still. But let it stay that way. One day the emptiness will be filled. With full of love that i deserve and the happiness i deserve - with someone who i am going to spend the rest of my life with. 

Till death do us apart 

XoXo 

_galangal_