Follow up visit with the psychiatrist

Dear Diary,

I had my 1st appointment with the psychiatrist today. The day that i thought I was getting better. I wasnt. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. I felt like a rock bottom. 

I told my dad, my step mother about it. They only responded like it was a small issue. I kept quiet. I didn't wanna add any further. I knew it was gonna hurt me. 

The doctor doubled up my dose on the anti depressant and gave me sleeping pills. Hopefully i could sleep better at night. 

I went to get brunch with my grandmother and I didn't finish the bowl of mee rebus. Went to sheng siong to get eggs, bread & some veggie to cook for lunch to bring to work tomorrow. 

I reached home and saw the state of the kitchen. It was a mess. But i am exhausted. I felt tired. To even clean the kitchen, to prep the ingredients to cook and even to read the books that i have bought. 

All i did was to sleep. Stuck myself inside my room. Woke up to pee and sleep again. That was what i have been doing all day today. Changed my bedsheets & washed all of my clothes. 

My grandmother asked "why is this clinic so different". I replied "this clinic is for people who have mental sickness". She kept quiet. The way she approached me the whole day today was a bit different. 

She made my favourite tea and knowing I couldn't eat crabs, she fried a black pomfret with sweet & sour sauce. Told her I don't feel like eating. She said "i have already cooked. You better eat". I did. Forced myself to finish the plate. I felt nauseated. I hold it in. I didn't want to puke it out. 

I showered. I kept showering the whole day and prayed. I dont know why but i feel numb. So numb, so low that I can't afford to do the things i always did. All i could do is sleep and sleep.

Praying to be better. My closest ones mentioned "i want my Syima back. I want my Ah Yong back. I want my Nyah back. I want my kakak back". I missed myself too. I really do.

XoXo, 

_galangal_