Exhausted but i had fun ♥️

Dear Diary, 

I had so much fun in school today. We did role playing & shared a lot about what we have changed in ourselves towards - anger, phobia, career & family/friends. 

One by one she asked and when it comes to me, it was about changing myself towards my family. I know i am different. The love i had for my family was strong. A family oriented girl. But to the extent that i cannot decide what i want to work as or what i want to be. I have passions and i have dreams. But it was not well recognized. I was outcasted, judged & penalized. It made me fall into depression. 

But one thing for sure, i cannot continue to be like this. If no one cannot support what i want to do, then it's just me on my own to support myself. To make my dream a reality and let success make noise. My lecturer asked, "what did you do?" I said "i set boundaries, I drew the line & set a filter. She smiled and asked again, "how do you feel?". I said i am much better. 

I made friends with my classmates and surprisingly the majority of them are those minahs, lians, meenachis, bengs & mats. Mitoh, my classmates mentioned "you know ah. The majority of people who are counselors are people who came from a bad family background". Which i simply agreed with.

I was so exhausted. I didn't have a good sleep. I kept waking up in the middle of the night with full fear. I struggled waking up in the morning. But proud of myself. I made it to school. I finished my assignments and had fun in class today. Looking forward to the next lesson! 

Xoxo, 

_galangal_

Another Relapse

Dear Diary, 

Last night, i had another relapse. Another episode of suicidal attempts. This time was at the ledge at the staircase landing. 

I looked through my ig story archives of past years. Being a loyal & loving wife to a man i called my husband back then. He doesn't have anything. But i loved him. So much. I gave my all. I left my family. I went through thick & thin with him because i was loyal, faithful & loving. 

I did so much to show that he could trust me, count on me and know that i was his world. But the marriage came to a divorce. I realised, he only needed me to fill up the empty space but not wanting me to be a part of his life. 

I was so sad. So sad no matter how good you are as a person, people tend to take advantage of you. -Manipulate you and make you feel bad whereas you weren't the one who caused all these dramas. 

At this point of the stage, i felt like i am no longer good enough for anybody. I am not too good. I am good for nothing. If i was good, people wouldn't do this to me. They wouldn't hurt me. They wouldn't penalise me or bring me down. 

I felt miserable. I felt useless. I was all down and low again. Having these flashbacks made me doubt myself. Do i deserve to be loved wholeheartedly and sincerely. 

It is sad because i am still in fear. A lot of What Ifs. Is the new person be different ? Would he love me entirely? Would he show me what and how being loved by someone dearly supposed to feel like. I really don't know. 

Being a rebound, a safe spot, a hoe call & a side chick, i already went through all of that bullshit. I was wrong to trust and not judging people who in the end used me and took advantage of me. Once they got what they wanted, they made me the villain and pushed the blame on me. 

I am tired of being sad. I am really exhausted. If not for Chloe, i would have been dead by now. I hate all these flashbacks. Please bring back my happiness. 

XoXo

_galangal_

My Person ♥️

Dear Diary, 

As days pass by, i begin to heal slowly. Letting go bits & pieces of my trauma, painful past & the love that i had given to others. 

Maybe all along, what i needed the most was Love. It is not about money, looks, status or even religion or race. It was purely love. That comes from the bottom of someone's heart that made you feel "hey this is what i wanted". To feel wanted, cared for, fought for and going through thick & thin together.

I had never felt all these till i met CW. It was rocky at the start. Maybe i was still in pain, full of doubts and didn't let go of the past. Or maybe it was because of his status that made me feel that way. Or maybe we didn't know each other well. 

But we rectified & fixed it. Still getting to know each other & understand each other better. What we needed  was what we had been receiving from each other. Love, trust, Bond & the connection that we had was in sync. 

Along the way, he made me revive as a person. Being alive in a new state of mental health in the same person. I am healing and slowly getting better. One step at a time so that i would not fall into another relapse. 

If you are being loved correctly & sincerely, it will glow from your face. Which indeed i am. I am happy. Despite all the fears i had, i fought through my inner demons. To think positively. He was the person i had always wanted in life. The kind of person that I dreamt of. 

Xoxo, 

_galangal_