Another Relapse

Dear Diary, 

Last night, i had another relapse. Another episode of suicidal attempts. This time was at the ledge at the staircase landing. 

I looked through my ig story archives of past years. Being a loyal & loving wife to a man i called my husband back then. He doesn't have anything. But i loved him. So much. I gave my all. I left my family. I went through thick & thin with him because i was loyal, faithful & loving. 

I did so much to show that he could trust me, count on me and know that i was his world. But the marriage came to a divorce. I realised, he only needed me to fill up the empty space but not wanting me to be a part of his life. 

I was so sad. So sad no matter how good you are as a person, people tend to take advantage of you. -Manipulate you and make you feel bad whereas you weren't the one who caused all these dramas. 

At this point of the stage, i felt like i am no longer good enough for anybody. I am not too good. I am good for nothing. If i was good, people wouldn't do this to me. They wouldn't hurt me. They wouldn't penalise me or bring me down. 

I felt miserable. I felt useless. I was all down and low again. Having these flashbacks made me doubt myself. Do i deserve to be loved wholeheartedly and sincerely. 

It is sad because i am still in fear. A lot of What Ifs. Is the new person be different ? Would he love me entirely? Would he show me what and how being loved by someone dearly supposed to feel like. I really don't know. 

Being a rebound, a safe spot, a hoe call & a side chick, i already went through all of that bullshit. I was wrong to trust and not judging people who in the end used me and took advantage of me. Once they got what they wanted, they made me the villain and pushed the blame on me. 

I am tired of being sad. I am really exhausted. If not for Chloe, i would have been dead by now. I hate all these flashbacks. Please bring back my happiness. 

XoXo

_galangal_