Afraid

Dear Diary, 

I went to Ikea today. After all the crying i had last night. I felt better. Those there is bits or sadness inside, i know i cant control anything that is within my control. 

I was fated to meet people who went through such of bad chilhood, trauma & dilemma in life. I was so eager to give love that they had never had but i was wrong. I thought i could but in the actual fact i cant. I fall in love with people who had never put me 1st in their life. 

I chose to overcome the sadness can set it to make myself believe that "if no one doesnt, then i shall do it on my own". The fear of falling in love is there. A few dms slided in but i dont know. I dont feel like it. It was just cold text messages with them because i wasnt interested or i had lost faith in love. 

I am not hoping for a fairytale. But somehow true love that put each other as their main priority. Obviously i cant expect to get everything i wanted. Maybe being too nice and had always see the good in people that made me fall into getting hurt over & over again. 

I do not want to be sad anymore nor being empty and hollow within. One sign that i am afraid today was i had no appetite to eat at all. I didnt feel anything but no appetite to eat. I forced myself to have a bit of food but i wasnt even enjoying it. 

Now, i am just afraid of falling in love again. The trauma, the hurt and the dissapointment i had really taught me a great lesson. It was true what my grandmother once said, "let the men loves you more than anything else in this world". 

I am still healing, aint want to fall back into depression again. It is tough. I assure you it is. All the sleepless night. Crying non stop and feeling hopeless and useless. The sentence "you are way too good, i dont deserve you" kept playing in my mind. I dont know. But i am just afraid. I am really afraid to fall in love again. 

I can do this. I am sure i will. 

XoXo,

_galangal_