Dear Diary, 

I had another episode when I reached home after meeting Aqilah just now. The tightness on my chest & the urge to cry is there. I cried badly and i am still crying while typing this. 

The problem in me, i love hard. Too hard that it is unbearable to let go but i had to. Maybe i was gifted as an Empath. I do not want to ask why. Maybe it is due to the connection & the vibe i had with C is strong. No it is not fairytale but it is the reality. 

There were a lot of pointers that i gave but he simply could not answer. But i know, he is putting himself 1st because the people before me, he had always prioritize them 1st and they were the people who hurt him badly. 

When i came into the picture, i was all over him, willing to give the love that he had always wanted but he decided to put himself 1st, draw the line towards me & i was hurt in a lot of way. I chose to withstand everything because i believed, he was my home, my bestfriend, my world & my soulmate. 

But i guess i met the wrong person again. This hurts the most. I had to choose myself since i am not his utmost priority. It hurts but i have to save myself this time, I have to stand up for my dignity & to heal from everything. 

Maybe this a test for me. To be place to face a lot of hurdles before meeting the rightful soulmate. I will eventually move on but i guess this shall take much more longer than before. 

The audacity to ghost every guys who DM-ed & wanting to get to know me is extremely high. I just do not want to make anyone a rebound. I realised, i had nothing much to give. I chose to hate. But i simply cant. It is hard. If only he let me in completely. If only he gave wholeheartedly. But now, it is all gone. The people before me left him for another person, a third party. But i left him because i was not his utmost priority. I do not want to be anybody's second or last or even an option.

So broken. Shattered hope & the only thing i could do now is to pray and heal from everything. The fear to sleep now, is there. It has been a week without the sleeping medicine & i honestly do not want to fall back into a relapse. It is painful. Very painful. I didnt share this to anyone because i want them to know that i am healing. I am progressing better. 

But tonight really hit me differently. I cried in my prayers. I asked Allah to make me forget him completely. Vanish all the memories that i had. I swear. This is the most painful journey i had. 

I cant make him understand. I cant change people. The only thing i could change is how i revolve around them. Keeping myself safe & protecting myself. I shall heal. But i will never love this hard again. It hurts badly. I could not even breathe properly. It is like a sharp stab through my heart but still i am not dead. 

May God bless you CW. May God show you everything that came from me was honestly & sincerely for you. 

XoXo:

_galangal_