Will Never Love the same way again.

Dear Diary, 

I got to know Ridh for a few days already. He just stayed a few bus stops away from me. He wanted to get to know Aqilah but sadly Aqilah is still engaged to Rasyid. 

Ridh asked "do you know that you are such an amazing friend, a wise human & nice too. You deserve the same kind of person as you are". 

I told Ridh. I am not searching. My heart is numb. It is only beating for the sake that i am still alive. Going through my days towards healing and being near to Allah. I had enough of being nice to the wrong person. 

At this stage right now, i felt that i have nothing to give to anyone. No more love to give to anybody. Only for myself. 

I had always put others ahead. Despite tremendous heartbreak, i still choose to put the love of my life my utmost priority. God created me with a big heart. To still give love despite hurting. To still put others ahead whereas i am either 2nd or last. 

I do not know if Allah wrote my journey to be with people who are broken yet they needed the love that i could but never could i get from them. 

Not depressed. But somehow it hurts. It hurts the fact that people are treating me badly. Everyone wants to be loved. But i was wrong. I put hope in the wrong person. 

Crying everyday and soothing myself that i could go through this on my own. It is hard but i know i can do this. I believe. 

I finally chose myself. Fight for my dignity & protect myself with caution towards people. The trust that i had for people is completely zero. No matter how many DMs sliding in. I ghosted everyone. Never had i ever done that. But i did. 

Emotionally i am drained. But this doesn't give me the right to make myself fall back into depression again. Not hoping for another man. Not hoping for another love. If it is written that i have, then i shall. If not, there will be a person for me in Jannah. 

It may take days, months, years to heal from this heartbreak. But enough is enough. I aint want to carry the baggage anymore. Time will heal this heart of mine. But i will never love the same as I used to be. 

XoXo; 

_galangal_