Forgiveness & a peaceful death

Dear Diary, 

Tonight's tahajjud was a bit different from the other nights. It was not the feeling of sadness. More of a relief. To finally forgive everyone, the people who have caused a lot of impact on my mental health, the people who destroyed my life, the people who did me bad and wrong, the people who took advantage of me and the people who hurt me badly in the past. Having setbacks, resentments & baggage is indeed a bad idea to move forward. It won't do you good and it won't make you happy. I am at a stage where i am at my utmost peace and being calm at all kinds of situations. Lastly, all i wanted before I closed my eyes was to have a peaceful death and not hold anybody during the Judgement Day. Thankful for this journey. It somehow made me wiser as a person.

Xoxo,

_galangal_ 

Blessing in disguise

We parted 11 years ago. We were young, wild & free. Never once we mentioned to each other that we liked each other. Ghosted each other. 

During that 11 years, we went through a lot of hell with the wrong people. But i believe in Allah's plan. He made us learn, heal and understand what is suppose to be done. Allah let us found ourselves again, older and mature enough to finally understand life. 

Kun Faya Kun - If Allah say be then it shall be. Thank you for being my peace. Thank you for your constant reassuring. Thank you for always making sure that i am alright. It may be too soon but i leave it to Allah. Thank you for being such a sweetheart. So soft & a gentleman. Your mum raised you well T.A. 

Looking forward to more dates ahead. ❤️

XoXo, 

_galangal_

Tawakkul - Believe in Allah's plan

 Dear Diary, 

11 years ago, i got to know T.A during our ITE days. We could connect & would talk every night to get to know each other. But it only lasted for a few months. I back off because i thought he finally had someone new.

11 years has passed, Allah showed me the signs. We reconnected back and walking down through memory lane. The 1st time when he approached me in ITE Macpherson canteen - " hi syima. nice to see you" Imagine, i was all boyish and harsh. Aint a lady like as what i am now. HAHAHAHAHA 

But somehow, i found peace in this person. No doubts, no insecurities & i love it when we had deep talks about our future plans, our dreams & such. Never had i ever met a person who is so interested in you when each time they see you, it is only you and phones aside. I truly appreciate the respect that was given. The quality time & the words of affirmation. 

The peace i felt somehow brought me back to life as a new person. Looking forward to start my day positive & well each day. No. I did not look for him nor i was looking for love. The previous relationship somehow gave me a good learning lesson. Never to find love for it will hurt badly. 

But Allah brought him to me. Each day, during tahajjud i prayed for peace. I had always prayed for peace. Allah brought me to T.A. Maybe his mum's prayers right in front of the Kaabah was answered. Or maybe my prayers were answered. I dont know. But as what i mentioned, i trust in His Plans. 

Me & T.A are still getting to know each other well, supporting each other's dream & motivating each other to do well everyday. I truly appreciated it. Allah took away my little boxer and probably gave me a wrestler. Wallahualam. It is His Plan. 

Not looking forward to have any relationship with T.A but if his name was written in the Loh Mahfuz to be my future spouse, then it shall be it. Now i truly understand. Having a spouse is not just about love, sex, honesty & communication. It is more on peace. How peaceful when you are around them or far from them. Alhamdulilah for everything.If you find peace in a person, marry the, they say. But as of now, i leave it to Allah swt. 

May Allah keep all of us safe from harm & gives us Hidayah to be a better muslim. Keeping everyone in my prayers. My muslim friends, world wide. May we see each other in Jannah - for that we will live happily eternally. 

Xoxo: 

Little Boxer's Mama 

_galangal_

Alhamdulilah for this journey

Dear Diary, 

So many things happened in 2022. Syukur alhamdulilah for all the hurdles that i went through. I am at peace and being calm even if there is a slight sadness lingering in this little heart. 

I finally understood that the people i have met were either manipulative, narcissistic or only accept me on their own terms but never wholeheartedly. The last relationship i had, somehow hit me hard in the head. Realising that this is not the kind of love. It is not based on 50/50 or gender equality. It is not about putting yourself 1st before everything. 

But it's about putting 100% into the relationship to build a great empire, give & take, push and pull & know when to draw the line when it intrudes your boundaries. If you aren't 100% into the relationship, my question was, what is the point of having one? For the sake of lust? Being alone? 

I got to know quite a handful of men and the majority are just red flags. I don't know why but my heart isn't ready. There wasn't any connection. Couldnt vibe. Or i could merely be their friends. Not more than that. 

No. It is not about wanting to be back with CW. It no longer exists in my mind. Love is there but that doesn't mean i have to lose my dignity to someone who doesn't value me for what i already am. Moving forward i accept the fact. It was all just passing by. Why must i stay if i were to live in fear. Full of doubts and insecurities. Constant reassurance was a hassle but little did he understand what i felt within. There are 2 different meanings by keeping a relationship in private and keeping a relationship in secret.

One thing i am proud of myself, i am no longer in fear. No longer having nightmares. No longer having doubts and no longer feeling sad. I felt so much peace. I felt so calm.and no longer hopping on the sleeping pills to sleep. Alhamdulilah for everything.  

Allah took C.A from me. Maybe there is a reason. The reason that there would not be any dispute of having C.A under whose custody that would bring trauma to him. But its okay my little boxer. Mama will see you soon. 

I have forgiven everyone. It is not about happiness all time round. It is more about being at peace. I am happy that i made the move to leave my last relationship for the sake of my peace and my mental health.

I believe in Allah's plan.  Alhamdulilah for everything. 

_XoXo_ 

Little Boxer's Mama 

_galangal_ 

Wednesday

Wednesday - A series of Netflix. 

Psychologically diagnosed by doctors but each and one of them are actually battling with their own inner demons. People pleasing, childhood abuse, emotionally abused & all other forms of trauma. As parents, we shape our kids. We are their role model. What they see, feel, hear and think comes from what we nurtured them since they were young. 

If we could observe the series till the end, the majority of the students have different psychological backgrounds. What did their parents do ? Send them off to Nevermore and light to get their kids to cure. Psychiatric medication does not cure. It only helps to sustain from the condition to get worse. But at the end of the series, they seek comfort, love, trust & respect from each and one of their classmates. Coming from different backgrounds of life uniting as ONE to save the school. Wednesday being a cold and stubborn headed child, broke the ice for not isolating herself even though she was selfish & ego at the start. 

Lesson learnt from this series, 

1. Quality of friends are needed 

2. Support and motivation are needed 

3. Do not force/manipulate a child to follow the family tradition. Accept them for who they are. Every human is special & unique in their own ways. 

4. Be open, truthful & honest about each other's past. Do not let others manipulate their mind with false statements. It could ruin their thoughts especially when they are mentally unstable. 

Good job Netlfix. Wednesday Series 2, i am rooting for you.