Acceptance

Moving forward, i have come to an acceptance for everything. It is alright to keep falling & crying. It may be tiring. But i believe in this - Tawakkul. We enter people's lives as  a form of blessing. Maybe our existence is to give light, support, repentance and all the good things. But we often realise that we got the bad instead of being nice. Fret not, Allah is saving you for the best, He lets you go through hardship because He knows you are strong. At the end of it, a reward shall be given for being patient. It may not be rewarded in this Dunya but In shaa Allah in the Hereafter. Healing is a long process i believe. But putting effort into healing is a true fighter who wants to let go of the past and be better for the future. May Allah ease all of our affairs and bless all of us in forms of happiness & Rizq. ❤️

Xoxo

_galangal_

Dengue took away my rainbow baby

 Dear Diary, 

I have kept it from everyone with regards to my pregnancy. December 14th, was the date I did a test on the HCG that I bought from Watson. I felt super tired despite having enough ample of sleep. Nauseous, vomiting & craving for sugary food. I took the test on the morning of December 14th and the result were positive. I was very unsure as i had the Mirena in my womb so it is unlikely to be pregnant. December 25th, i did a check again and it still came out positive. 

My gynae appointment is a month away. I didnt know what went into my head but abortion is strictly out of the list. I had massive panic anxiety attacks, crying every night & thinking how could i even raise a child on my own. Am I capable enough? 

It took me 2 weeks to finally get on my feet & tell myself, " Syima, you are gonna be a mom. Even if it takes for you to raise your child single hand, you can do it. I lead my life as per usual. Had always been feeling lethargic, hungry & emotional. 

Now i know why Chloe had always head bumping her head towards my tummy and had always been so closed to me. She was protecting her little brother/sister. I have been keeping a lot from people lately. I deactivated every social media, trying to heal & accepting the fact it is what it is. 

January, I was counting down to the days that i am going to visit the gynae. Praying that my baby will be fine & the Mirena is safe to be pulled out without affecting my baby. Everyday i did Dzikir to my baby "subhanallah walhamdulillah wa la ilaha illallah wa allahu akbar" while pating Chloe to sleep as well. 

17th January, the day i had fever flu like symptom. Went to A&E and totally forgot that i was pregnant as i was worried for my fever. Went home & slept like a log. My fever reached at its peak of 42 degrees. Was so weak that i can even get up to go to the toilet. Exactly at midnight, i had a severe cramp on my lower abdomen. It was even worst than the period cramp. My thoughts were like "ya i didnt poop the whole day that was why it trigger. I went to the toilet slowly and blood gushing through my thighs. I only realize it when i was in the toilet. There i knew. I lost my baby. There was a sudden urge of something pushing out from my womb and there was my baby. Such a tiny flesh with full of blood. I cried in the toilet for hours. 

I had on and off high fever till last night on the 20th Jan, that was the worst fever i had. My head was spinning non stop & vomited on and on. Drank the water that my grandmother gave me to help with my immune and i broke into cold sweat & shivering. Fall asleep at 3 am. 

I woke up this morning feeling a bit better but still recovering from my flu & cough and also the lost of my baby. I do not know how many months old it was in my womb neither its gender. But in my religion, if a child was lost due to miscarriage without knowing its gender, it should be named as a male. I named him Cassius Ali, the name that the father wanted to name if we have a son in the future which is unlikely to happen too. 

I accept the lost. Even if i had lost him in this world, Allah knows the best. May we be reunited in Jannah my Love. Thank you for letting me feel how it is like to have a soul in my womb. I see you on the other side, Cassius Ali. 

Xoxo: 

_galangal_

Taking a break

Dear Diary, 

It has been a week since i deactivated all my social media networks. I do believe that social networks affected my mental health progression. I would always pass by sad quotes and such. 

Been isolating myself not for negativity but more on healing. They asked me "you missed him right?". I said Yes i do. A lot. But i know he was not meant for me. He wasn't ready for me. If he was, it would be the other way round. I am happy that he is happy now. He finally gets to reunite with Groot - the love of his life. His happiness was my happiness too. Although i am no longer with him & i have cut contacts. 

I don't need any closure. I found the answer myself. If he was meant to be mine, he will be. But i know Allah is saving me from hurting myself further. The only pain now was missing him badly. It is indeed hard but i shall pull through it. Like how my exes used to say to me including him,  "You are too good for me, I don't deserve you". Never once has anyone said "you were the one for me. Where have you been?" I was too dumb back then to give it another try as all i needed was love. Being in love and receiving love. But it's alright. It may take months or years to heal from all these. I know it's hard but i know i can. 

School is finally starting and i am so going to be busy with studies and assignments. Kinda sad that it is gonna be on home base learning but the better side of it, I don't need to waste time travelling to and fro. 

I just love being all alone. So calm. So peaceful. There were a few episodes that i broke down and cried myself to work. There were a few episodes that i dreamt of him being with someone else or reconciling back with Dash. I don't know if it was a sign or it was just a dream. He could get anyone though, i believe. Good for him. 

Started reading back all the books about Allah, Rasullulah & the Holy Quran. Just bought another 2 books, 1 was the history of all The Prophets & the other book is The real deep story about each verse of The Quran. 

Cant wait for the books to arrive and to start school. Looking forward to a happy 2023 🫰

XoXo; 

_galangal_

Happy Birthday My Baby Love ♥️

Dear Diary,

 I still remember today's date in 2021. Allah's greatest gift. The one whom i seek comfort to and the one who keeps me calm whenever i am down. So much of connection and chemistry that i can imagine having a life without you. 

Had always been looking forward to come home to you, pat you to sleep and recite zikir to you before you close your eyes. 

Happy Birthday Mummy's little angel. 

Xoxo

_galangal_

Ending 2022 with a bliss Part One

 Dear Diary, 

Back date from 18 December till today, i had so much fun despite still in the healing process. 

Christmas Wonderland: 18 Dec 2022

Was suppose to have Zohor & Asar pray at Masjid Sultan but both of us were on red light. Thank you love for finding time to go on a date with for an entire day despite your busy schedule & being a wife. Had so much things we catch up and all. I really had a great time with you. To more outings ahead love <3 

22nd December 2022:Night ride gateway with Luke.

The last time i met him was a few years back and we both went MIA. He added me on FB a few days before and asked how has he been doing. Asked me out and me just being fickle minded so i met him after work. 

Went for a ride and had a catch up about work, housing & much more. Him turning 40 next year and still not planning to settle down. He asked " what about you? No one special right now" I told him that i am just tired to get hurt over and over again. Didnt say much about what happened to me but i told i finally found peace being alone. No commitment with people, responsibilities and i could be friends with whoever i want without seeking consent from anyone. Sent me home and sat down under my void deck and chatted again till 4.30am. "This was the longest time i have spent time with you babe." We hugged & bid goodbye and he said "Im gonna meet you oten aite?" I laughed and waved goodbye to him. 

25th December 2022: A short staycay

Booked a last minute staycay at Hamilton Hotel & it was indeed peaceful compare to Nuve Urbane. Had a good sleep on my own. Relaxed, rewind & meditate with Netlfix & good food. I woke up feeling fresh, went for breakfast and head over to my mum's place after MONTHS of not visiting her. A lot of catch up too but i didnt say anything much neither she asked anything much during the times that i had depression. 

To summarize my posting for today, i just felt that all along the love that i had been seeking,craving & wanting for was actually to love myself to the most. But i know all these were written by the Almighty give me a lesson & an impression on how hurtful it is to hope for humans & to love humans who doesnt do the same to you. Through out this whole month of healing, i have met different kind of people especially MEN from different background. 

Majority were seeking for lust and in order to get it, they masked love out of it. Damn daddy, this baby aint that dumb anymore to be falling for that. Even if i want to sleep around, i would still choose who i want to sleep with. Honestly, i find that meeting new people was great. Most were friendly and know their boundaries. While some, urghhh red flag bruhh. I cannot brain with the idea of falling for people even without meeting them. I dont know maybe it is because i have already closed the doors to my heart or i have set my own boundaries. Either or. But yeah i am happy right now. With myself, my friends, my family & my baby Chloe. Grateful for all. Alhamdulilah. 

 I fought & own the battle with my own inner demons. I can finally sleep well without the help of the sleeping pills. By 10 pm i already TOh. There are some days which i struggle to wake up as i needed more sleep but after that i as fine. I could concentrate with work better and looking forward for school in January 2023. Bali trip has to be cancelled but it is alright. Money can find but not myself. Lost myself a lot of times and finally at the age of 29, i found myself. I unmasked my true self without any worries nor doubts. 

I have met and fall in love badly with the wrong person in 2022. But that doesnt kill me nor put a halt to my healing process. I do pass by some places which reminds me of him but i am strong to move on peacefully alone just myself and i. 

I forgave everyone who had cause hurt & trauma to my inner self & i forgave myself for being too nice and let the wrong people walk into my life and destroyed it even further. 

2023, i am ready - it is all about galangal's achievements & success. 

Xoxo 

_galangal_

Moving On 💋

Dear Diary, 

I feel different now. No longer looking for love. No longer looking for companionship. I found love in myself. I found happiness in myself. 

Phone maybe dry as fuck but the least i am at peace. Doing my own stuff. Reading my book. Loving my cat and ensuring my room, myself & my toilet smells nice. It is all about smelling nice. 

Finally i found the meaning to find Allah's love. The love for Allah. We live for Allah. I guess that was why Allah distanced me & CW. Because Allah knows he is not the one. Even this heart has only his name, his features and his voice, i know i could not change the fate. I am still moving on. I let him go. But i am not ready for another love. Not that i am hurt but i want to be cautious and not fall for the wrong person again. 

There were a lot of signs. But I ignore it. Now i realise. All are clear. Allah showing me signs that i dont need anybody. I need Him all along. I feel peace and calm. Though at times i dreamnt about CW alot but i know its all a part of healing. Cant deny that i love him still, i miss him a lot. But that doesnt change the fact that i chose my own happiness. 

Now its all for Allah. Let love comes by for Allah. For the sake of Allah. I may be a sinner. But Allah is the Most Merciful & the Most Forgiving. I shall move along slowly to where my destiny was meant for me. 

I am not broken. I am not sad. I am feeling grateful that i finally found myself and to love my wholeheartedly. 6 months was indeed fast. I realised i loved him the most. But i accepted the fact that he was not meant to be mine. 

Xoxo 💋

_galangal

 Dear Diary, 

I had another episode when I reached home after meeting Aqilah just now. The tightness on my chest & the urge to cry is there. I cried badly and i am still crying while typing this. 

The problem in me, i love hard. Too hard that it is unbearable to let go but i had to. Maybe i was gifted as an Empath. I do not want to ask why. Maybe it is due to the connection & the vibe i had with C is strong. No it is not fairytale but it is the reality. 

There were a lot of pointers that i gave but he simply could not answer. But i know, he is putting himself 1st because the people before me, he had always prioritize them 1st and they were the people who hurt him badly. 

When i came into the picture, i was all over him, willing to give the love that he had always wanted but he decided to put himself 1st, draw the line towards me & i was hurt in a lot of way. I chose to withstand everything because i believed, he was my home, my bestfriend, my world & my soulmate. 

But i guess i met the wrong person again. This hurts the most. I had to choose myself since i am not his utmost priority. It hurts but i have to save myself this time, I have to stand up for my dignity & to heal from everything. 

Maybe this a test for me. To be place to face a lot of hurdles before meeting the rightful soulmate. I will eventually move on but i guess this shall take much more longer than before. 

The audacity to ghost every guys who DM-ed & wanting to get to know me is extremely high. I just do not want to make anyone a rebound. I realised, i had nothing much to give. I chose to hate. But i simply cant. It is hard. If only he let me in completely. If only he gave wholeheartedly. But now, it is all gone. The people before me left him for another person, a third party. But i left him because i was not his utmost priority. I do not want to be anybody's second or last or even an option.

So broken. Shattered hope & the only thing i could do now is to pray and heal from everything. The fear to sleep now, is there. It has been a week without the sleeping medicine & i honestly do not want to fall back into a relapse. It is painful. Very painful. I didnt share this to anyone because i want them to know that i am healing. I am progressing better. 

But tonight really hit me differently. I cried in my prayers. I asked Allah to make me forget him completely. Vanish all the memories that i had. I swear. This is the most painful journey i had. 

I cant make him understand. I cant change people. The only thing i could change is how i revolve around them. Keeping myself safe & protecting myself. I shall heal. But i will never love this hard again. It hurts badly. I could not even breathe properly. It is like a sharp stab through my heart but still i am not dead. 

May God bless you CW. May God show you everything that came from me was honestly & sincerely for you. 

XoXo:

_galangal_