"I dont deserve you. You are too good for me"

Dear Diary, 

As i am writing this, i am still crying. As much as i wanted to heal and i am healing, 2 sentences broke me down. 

"I don't deserve you. You are too good for me." Why is it that good people always get hurt instead ? Why do these people not know how to appreciate good people who are there for them ? 

So many questions running into my mind. Do i have to be bad ? So that they deserve me ? Is it wrong to be so good ? Why do people keep chasing the bad ones ? Why ? 

I am tired. I just want to be happy. I had enough of being sad. It hurts. It is killing me inside. Just leave and go if you don't deserve me. Just leave and go if i am too good for anyone. Please leave. 

For once let me live happily. I am begging. Please. 😭

Suicidal Thoughts & I am done

Dear Diary, 

I had the thoughts again last night. It wasnt about jumping down from the window. I was an inch close to gobble down all the anti depressant pills and to put myself to sleep till i wont wake up anymore. 

Battling with this is hard. You cant even let it out to your love ones due to fear. Fear they will say you are not healing. But little did they know that it is hard. 

I took a step back from all of these people. Who literally say they are here for me or they want to be there for me. In an actually account, they are not. They cant even listen. The attentiom was not meant for me either. 

All the words mentioned to me saying i was "self pity", i needed help, i didnt heal & such, is really demoralising. It brought me down to the ground. I realise all that. I know their intention was to make me realise. But at times, they dont realise it either. They cant accept the fact that i want to make them realise too. I am always the sort of person who would hurt you with the truth so that you can see the big picture. But these people dont understand but did all that to me. 

I came to a point where i realise i do not want to talk neither do i want to listen. Cause by both ways, i wont heard at all. Everyone needs a listening ear. So do i. But these people when they listen, they wanna talk alot. They would say these and that. Which at times doesnt help me at all. But when it comes to them, i am the one who is causing them to hurt. Because they just want me to listen. 

I can accept all forms of feedback. Be it good or harsh. But before you want to do that to me, mirror yourself. Dont think highly of yourself. God is greater and higher than you. Anytime everything could dissapear within a second. 

All i could do is to just keep quiet and create a distance from everyone. If it takes me to be alone to cure, i wouldnt mind. Afterall i had God. I would rather go through this journey on my own. 

XoXo,

_galangal_

Going good

Dear diary, 

As days passed by, i got stronger to let go of the past, the hurts, the sadness and all of the trauma that i have kept inside for very long. 

That night I cried all out in my prayers till I fell asleep, i woke feeling light and full of energy. That was where I realised that I needed to help myself to heal. To be better, to be wiser. 

I didn't need love. I didnt need a special person to be by my side to heal. I needed myself to think straight, to be happy & to love myself. That is when others who see as a person whom i can be in love with. 

Being alone does not define you being lonely. Being alone shows how strong you are to be living your life full of happiness & joy. That is where you know that this was what you have always wanted and you wanted to achieve. 

Along the way, love shall come on its own. At the right place & the right time. Nobody is an option. But you have to make the right choice in order to be happy. 

XoXo, 

_galangal_

Pulling Out

Dear Diary, 

Last night i cried my heart all out. Letting go of all the sadness i have kept within. I prayed to Allah. Seeking forgiveness for i had sin badly. I cried in my last sujood. Asking for forgiveness, asking for peace and calm. Asking for a way out of this misery feeling. 

The empathy i had in me was too deep. I dived into a person's soul to understand what they are facing and what they felt. It wasnt a mistake. But it was a wrong move that got me into so much of heartbreaks and sadness till i became negative myself as a person. 

This morning, i woke up. I felt better and told myself, it is time to take a small step forward. Dont be stagnant. No one is going to save me. Even Allah is not going to save me because i didnt put in any effort to start healing. I realised i dont need to cling on to anyone. I just need my closest one to hear me. 

I put on the shirt that i bought, i put on make up and finally took a selfie of myself after weeks of hiding myself in the dark. Eventhough the eyebags are the evidence of all the terrors i had but i know that shall heal too 1 day. 

Finally i could breath. I feel lighter. I feel at ease. I can think. I can laugh and i can be silly. I really miss laughing out loud till tears roll down. It has been awhile i had all that. 

Lastly, i asked Allah to filter me away from people who are using me, playing me out and misleading me out from my religion. I am a sinner. But i remember my religion, my God & my Prophet saw. 

If Love was meant to be mine one day, Allah will pair me up without me even trying to find it. All i need to do know is to love myself,heal & be happy. 

I am looking forward for school and my Bali trip in January next year. My 1st ever solo trip. May this trip be memorable one for me. 

P/S: i have lost 7kg as of now ! To more shedding of weight! Yeayyyh ♥️♥️♥️

Road To Recovery ♥️

XoXo,

_galangal_

Moving On

Dear Diary, 

I knew, my existence may at times be temporary. For now, i am not giving up rather much i am letting go for being a people person for the wrong person. 

Despite being in the state of healing, i had always look up for the one who are closest to me. I knew how hard it is to be alone with a unstable state of mind. 

But then i realise, 2 souls who are still healing, not emotionally stable are not meant to be for each other. Maybe this was just temporary a small light to show me the right path but i know it was not meant for me. 

For now, i learnt to let go. Not because i gave up. I set my own priorities and positivity. 

To Charles, 

Thank you for the time we had spent together. I already knew things wouldnt turn out well between us. As much as i am your person, i knew it was not meant to be for us to be together for now. 

Maybe in the future, if God permits that we were made for one another, we will. Even if we are not, i hope you will get someone who can be the strong pillars whom you could rely on. I am sorry i am not the one for you, neither you are the one for me. 

XoXo, 

_galangal_ 

Self Reflection

Dear Diary, 

I started to learn not to Hope. I started to learn to have my own space, my own walls, my own safe & comfort zone. 

I got tired of sharing my sorrow, my soul and my stories. Sometimes what i tried to convey is not how a person thinks and surely i cannot change the way people think. 

I was on the verge of breaking down while on the way home just now. Luckily i gotten Aiqa and i wws told to take a deep breath and exhale. I was calm after that. 

Rather than finding Love, loving myself entirely would be a better idea. What i give, i should not expect to get it back in return. For now, i shall give everything to myself. Love myself more and have my own peace of mind. 

Love is not cruel. But people made it be. Wrong people made it be. If Love was meant to be mine, it will be. If it is not, move along. Better days are coming. 

XoXo 

_galangal_ 

Grieving

 Dear Diary, 

Grieve for all the love that I have lost till I do not have enough for myself. I knew I should not have from the start, but it was all the empathy i had within. I crave to be loved deeply by a person till i did not see any red flags coming in. That was when i started to fall & shattered. Broken into pieces. 

At this point of time, i am like a child. Taking baby steps one at a time. Still feeling empty within. I had given up crying. I cannot see to whom should i hold a grip onto. To whom should i trust that they are going to be there, be it come what may, we shall go through this together. 

At this point of time, i do not know what to feel. Just empty, full of doubts & how shall i start trusting people. How shall identify which people really loves and which people only want to take advantage of me. 

I was told that i am self pity. But i did not want that. All i wanted was stability of my mental health, my feelings & being given tons of love, care & concern. But i know, i cant be getting all of that. Others have their own life too. 

I was told to Husnuzon - thing the good ide of life. Follow the flow. But what if i got hurt in the end, again? I dont want to think so much. It is going to hurt me again. 

How do i let it go of all these and set on a thick filter so that i would not bother and be hurt again. 

I dont know. I really dont. In the end, i do not want to hurt anyone neither do i want to hurt myself either. 

I just want to breath, be happy with a fine loving ass partner who i would share my tears & joy, who i would wake up to everyday, who i could get crazy with & be madly in love as days passes by. 

I cant be possibly disturbing my closer ones each day. Maybe 1 day, that day will come. The person who is my person. Who will never stop showing love to me everyday, who never fail to be attentive to what i share everyday & who never stop making me feel that i am the most luckiest woman on Earth. 

For now, it was all a dream. May this dream turns into reality one day. 

XoXo, 

_galangal_