Dear Diary, 

I had another episode when I reached home after meeting Aqilah just now. The tightness on my chest & the urge to cry is there. I cried badly and i am still crying while typing this. 

The problem in me, i love hard. Too hard that it is unbearable to let go but i had to. Maybe i was gifted as an Empath. I do not want to ask why. Maybe it is due to the connection & the vibe i had with C is strong. No it is not fairytale but it is the reality. 

There were a lot of pointers that i gave but he simply could not answer. But i know, he is putting himself 1st because the people before me, he had always prioritize them 1st and they were the people who hurt him badly. 

When i came into the picture, i was all over him, willing to give the love that he had always wanted but he decided to put himself 1st, draw the line towards me & i was hurt in a lot of way. I chose to withstand everything because i believed, he was my home, my bestfriend, my world & my soulmate. 

But i guess i met the wrong person again. This hurts the most. I had to choose myself since i am not his utmost priority. It hurts but i have to save myself this time, I have to stand up for my dignity & to heal from everything. 

Maybe this a test for me. To be place to face a lot of hurdles before meeting the rightful soulmate. I will eventually move on but i guess this shall take much more longer than before. 

The audacity to ghost every guys who DM-ed & wanting to get to know me is extremely high. I just do not want to make anyone a rebound. I realised, i had nothing much to give. I chose to hate. But i simply cant. It is hard. If only he let me in completely. If only he gave wholeheartedly. But now, it is all gone. The people before me left him for another person, a third party. But i left him because i was not his utmost priority. I do not want to be anybody's second or last or even an option.

So broken. Shattered hope & the only thing i could do now is to pray and heal from everything. The fear to sleep now, is there. It has been a week without the sleeping medicine & i honestly do not want to fall back into a relapse. It is painful. Very painful. I didnt share this to anyone because i want them to know that i am healing. I am progressing better. 

But tonight really hit me differently. I cried in my prayers. I asked Allah to make me forget him completely. Vanish all the memories that i had. I swear. This is the most painful journey i had. 

I cant make him understand. I cant change people. The only thing i could change is how i revolve around them. Keeping myself safe & protecting myself. I shall heal. But i will never love this hard again. It hurts badly. I could not even breathe properly. It is like a sharp stab through my heart but still i am not dead. 

May God bless you CW. May God show you everything that came from me was honestly & sincerely for you. 

XoXo:

_galangal_

Lose You to Love Me

I know it is hard. But i know i can. I accept the fact that no matter if i am healed, there is this part of me that could give much love to someone. God created me in this manner. But i was also given brains to think what is best for me. 

I know is it hard to forget, i chose to hate so that i could move on slowly. One day someone will recognize, acknowledge & appreciate for who i am and what i could give. I believe in my Creator. 

If it take this much to love myself, i shall let it go. 

If your name was written in the Loh Mahfuz for me, may Allah reunite us back wiser, ready and give as much love to each other. I shall leave it to Allah for now. 

This song was sang by Selena Gomez for Justin Bieber. 

You promised the world and I fell for it
I put you first and you adored it
Set fires to my forest
And you let it burn
Sang off-key in my chorus
'Cause it wasn't yours

I saw the signs and I ignored it
Rose-colored glasses all distorted
Set fire to my purpose
And I let it burn
You got off on the hurtin'
When it wasn't yours, yeah

We'd always go into it blindly
I needed to lose you to find me
This dancing was killing me softly
I needed to hate you to love me, yeah

To love, love, yeah
To love, love, yeah
To love, yeah
I needed to lose you to love me, yeah
To love, love, yeah
To love, love, yeah
To love, yeah
I needed to lose you to love me

I gave my all and they all know it
Then you tore me down and now it's showing
In two months, you replaced us
Like it was easy
Made me think I deserved it
In the thick of healing, yeah

We'd always go into it blindly
I needed to lose you to find me
This dancing was killing me softly
I needed to hate you to love me, yeah

To love, love, yeah
To love, love, yeah
To love, yeah
I needed to lose you to love me, yeah
To love, love, yeah
To love, love, yeah
To love, yeah
I needed to lose you to love me

Will Never Love the same way again.

Dear Diary, 

I got to know Ridh for a few days already. He just stayed a few bus stops away from me. He wanted to get to know Aqilah but sadly Aqilah is still engaged to Rasyid. 

Ridh asked "do you know that you are such an amazing friend, a wise human & nice too. You deserve the same kind of person as you are". 

I told Ridh. I am not searching. My heart is numb. It is only beating for the sake that i am still alive. Going through my days towards healing and being near to Allah. I had enough of being nice to the wrong person. 

At this stage right now, i felt that i have nothing to give to anyone. No more love to give to anybody. Only for myself. 

I had always put others ahead. Despite tremendous heartbreak, i still choose to put the love of my life my utmost priority. God created me with a big heart. To still give love despite hurting. To still put others ahead whereas i am either 2nd or last. 

I do not know if Allah wrote my journey to be with people who are broken yet they needed the love that i could but never could i get from them. 

Not depressed. But somehow it hurts. It hurts the fact that people are treating me badly. Everyone wants to be loved. But i was wrong. I put hope in the wrong person. 

Crying everyday and soothing myself that i could go through this on my own. It is hard but i know i can do this. I believe. 

I finally chose myself. Fight for my dignity & protect myself with caution towards people. The trust that i had for people is completely zero. No matter how many DMs sliding in. I ghosted everyone. Never had i ever done that. But i did. 

Emotionally i am drained. But this doesn't give me the right to make myself fall back into depression again. Not hoping for another man. Not hoping for another love. If it is written that i have, then i shall. If not, there will be a person for me in Jannah. 

It may take days, months, years to heal from this heartbreak. But enough is enough. I aint want to carry the baggage anymore. Time will heal this heart of mine. But i will never love the same as I used to be. 

XoXo; 

_galangal_

You Are Not Forgiven

To the person who led me to healing, thank you for giving me the hope that everything is going fine. Thank you for giving me the assurance that this is the kind of relationship i was looking for. Thank you for hurting me so badly despite the fact that i am still hurting. 

You weren't ready for us. You were just too afraid to be alone. I was just a scapegoat, a rebound, a passing cloud that you made me think i was the one. 

You were not a blessing in disguise. You are just the same as the rest. Empty promises empty words but nothing was true that came out from you. 

You blamed me for carrying the baggage but little did you realise you carried the whole fuckihg baggage from your past and current too. You did not heal. Broken as what i am now. 

You let others in despite them taking advantage of you. You let others in despite they cant love you for who the fuck you are. But you drew the line towards me. You built the wall towards me. 

Little did you realise you fucking hurt me badly because of you grew selfish from what others did to you. Why cant you just fucking appreciate the person who was true to you, loyal to you & love you unvonditionally. 

I won't forgive you. Till my very last breath. I swear that your life is going to be fucking miserable because of what you did to me. 

Thank you for putting me in such trauma again whereas I am healing. You are one selfish prick who became selfish to the innocent person. You were not true to yourself. 

This shit aint going to keep me down. I am going to prove that i can be better without your support and motivation. If it was sincere from you, I wouldn't have all these fears, trauma or nightmares. I would not have doubts and i would not have any insecurities. 

I swear from the bottom of my heart. You are not going to be happy or at peace for making me this way. 

I wont. I will never forgive you till my last breath. 

Afraid

Dear Diary, 

I went to Ikea today. After all the crying i had last night. I felt better. Those there is bits or sadness inside, i know i cant control anything that is within my control. 

I was fated to meet people who went through such of bad chilhood, trauma & dilemma in life. I was so eager to give love that they had never had but i was wrong. I thought i could but in the actual fact i cant. I fall in love with people who had never put me 1st in their life. 

I chose to overcome the sadness can set it to make myself believe that "if no one doesnt, then i shall do it on my own". The fear of falling in love is there. A few dms slided in but i dont know. I dont feel like it. It was just cold text messages with them because i wasnt interested or i had lost faith in love. 

I am not hoping for a fairytale. But somehow true love that put each other as their main priority. Obviously i cant expect to get everything i wanted. Maybe being too nice and had always see the good in people that made me fall into getting hurt over & over again. 

I do not want to be sad anymore nor being empty and hollow within. One sign that i am afraid today was i had no appetite to eat at all. I didnt feel anything but no appetite to eat. I forced myself to have a bit of food but i wasnt even enjoying it. 

Now, i am just afraid of falling in love again. The trauma, the hurt and the dissapointment i had really taught me a great lesson. It was true what my grandmother once said, "let the men loves you more than anything else in this world". 

I am still healing, aint want to fall back into depression again. It is tough. I assure you it is. All the sleepless night. Crying non stop and feeling hopeless and useless. The sentence "you are way too good, i dont deserve you" kept playing in my mind. I dont know. But i am just afraid. I am really afraid to fall in love again. 

I can do this. I am sure i will. 

XoXo,

_galangal_

I chose myself

Dear Diary, 

Today marks the day that i finally chose myself more than anyone else. It hurts. It is sad knowing that you are nobody's utmost priority. 

Battling in my inner demons, getting myself healed and moving forward for a better life & happiness. I chose the person whom i want to spend for the rest of my life. I thought i found him. I thought he was the one as he was different among the rest. 

But mentioning that overall i am not his utmost priority brought me to a state where i had enough. Previously, he mentioned i was too good for him and he doesn't deserve me. Now, i was not his utmost priority. 

I made a decision where i do not want to be anybody's option nor 2nd or being there whenever they needed me. I am crying while typing this. It hurts a lot. Whenever i am slowly healing, I get hurt again & again. It is so tiring. I had always put the love of my life at the utmost priority yet i was not. For the previous relationship even. 

Being a good woman sure does sucks. I do not want to let my guards down. I do not want to lose myself again. Now, i am choosing myself. Putting myself 1st at the utmost priority. Be special to myself & love myself more and more since i cannot be anybody's utmost priority, special to anybody or someone who loves me more than i love them. 

For all that i am looking forward to now, is to achieve my dream that i had been chasing for years. Even if it takes me to be alone, i shall. I got nobody but i still got myself. 

To all the people whom i had given my love to, thank you for all the lessons that were given to me. I have forgiven everyone sincerely from the bottom of my heart. Even if i were to end my life so that i will no longer feel any pain or sadness, do know that i tried my best to be the best version of myself. 

Thank you so much. 

XoXo, 

_galangal_

Float Like a Butterfly

Dear Diary, 

I feel a lot better. I could breathe. I am happy and i am proud that i could love myself more. It is like goshh. I am in love with myself. 

To the point that i felt, if no one feels proud of me for whatever achievements i did, i have the right to be proud of myself and i manage to do it. It may be sucks. But it is alright. If i can love myself rather than wanting people to love me, why not be proud of myself for the success and achievements that I have made. 

To the point that i do not want to add anymore trauma to myself, not that i chose not to speak up but i would rather set my boundaries. Not to get myself to hurt again and put high hopes on anyone. 

I am not giving up but i want to let go of all the traumas, the pains & and failure that has been done. I honour it, acknowledge it and bid it farewell. I agree this is just the starting phase but whatever happens, i am not gonna love hard nor gonna hope high for anyone. 

If he was true, he will know, he will show and I wouldn't want to say a lot of times for what i always wanted in a relationship. I just want to be in a relationship where i do not need to have any doubts or insecurities. Honestly i do not wanna live in fear. I do not want to relapse for all the traumas that i had gone through. 

I am alright. I am happier and i really love myself. To more self love, self care & healing. 

When true loves come, it will. When i am ready. For now, it is just me with my battle to fight depression and being happy totally as a person myself. 

For now, i am taking each day step by step. The positive one i will post and share. The negative ones i will reflect, acknowledge and let it go. 

Finding peace for myself and my mental health ♥️

XoXo, 

_galangal_