You Are Not Forgiven

To the person who led me to healing, thank you for giving me the hope that everything is going fine. Thank you for giving me the assurance that this is the kind of relationship i was looking for. Thank you for hurting me so badly despite the fact that i am still hurting. 

You weren't ready for us. You were just too afraid to be alone. I was just a scapegoat, a rebound, a passing cloud that you made me think i was the one. 

You were not a blessing in disguise. You are just the same as the rest. Empty promises empty words but nothing was true that came out from you. 

You blamed me for carrying the baggage but little did you realise you carried the whole fuckihg baggage from your past and current too. You did not heal. Broken as what i am now. 

You let others in despite them taking advantage of you. You let others in despite they cant love you for who the fuck you are. But you drew the line towards me. You built the wall towards me. 

Little did you realise you fucking hurt me badly because of you grew selfish from what others did to you. Why cant you just fucking appreciate the person who was true to you, loyal to you & love you unvonditionally. 

I won't forgive you. Till my very last breath. I swear that your life is going to be fucking miserable because of what you did to me. 

Thank you for putting me in such trauma again whereas I am healing. You are one selfish prick who became selfish to the innocent person. You were not true to yourself. 

This shit aint going to keep me down. I am going to prove that i can be better without your support and motivation. If it was sincere from you, I wouldn't have all these fears, trauma or nightmares. I would not have doubts and i would not have any insecurities. 

I swear from the bottom of my heart. You are not going to be happy or at peace for making me this way. 

I wont. I will never forgive you till my last breath. 

Afraid

Dear Diary, 

I went to Ikea today. After all the crying i had last night. I felt better. Those there is bits or sadness inside, i know i cant control anything that is within my control. 

I was fated to meet people who went through such of bad chilhood, trauma & dilemma in life. I was so eager to give love that they had never had but i was wrong. I thought i could but in the actual fact i cant. I fall in love with people who had never put me 1st in their life. 

I chose to overcome the sadness can set it to make myself believe that "if no one doesnt, then i shall do it on my own". The fear of falling in love is there. A few dms slided in but i dont know. I dont feel like it. It was just cold text messages with them because i wasnt interested or i had lost faith in love. 

I am not hoping for a fairytale. But somehow true love that put each other as their main priority. Obviously i cant expect to get everything i wanted. Maybe being too nice and had always see the good in people that made me fall into getting hurt over & over again. 

I do not want to be sad anymore nor being empty and hollow within. One sign that i am afraid today was i had no appetite to eat at all. I didnt feel anything but no appetite to eat. I forced myself to have a bit of food but i wasnt even enjoying it. 

Now, i am just afraid of falling in love again. The trauma, the hurt and the dissapointment i had really taught me a great lesson. It was true what my grandmother once said, "let the men loves you more than anything else in this world". 

I am still healing, aint want to fall back into depression again. It is tough. I assure you it is. All the sleepless night. Crying non stop and feeling hopeless and useless. The sentence "you are way too good, i dont deserve you" kept playing in my mind. I dont know. But i am just afraid. I am really afraid to fall in love again. 

I can do this. I am sure i will. 

XoXo,

_galangal_

I chose myself

Dear Diary, 

Today marks the day that i finally chose myself more than anyone else. It hurts. It is sad knowing that you are nobody's utmost priority. 

Battling in my inner demons, getting myself healed and moving forward for a better life & happiness. I chose the person whom i want to spend for the rest of my life. I thought i found him. I thought he was the one as he was different among the rest. 

But mentioning that overall i am not his utmost priority brought me to a state where i had enough. Previously, he mentioned i was too good for him and he doesn't deserve me. Now, i was not his utmost priority. 

I made a decision where i do not want to be anybody's option nor 2nd or being there whenever they needed me. I am crying while typing this. It hurts a lot. Whenever i am slowly healing, I get hurt again & again. It is so tiring. I had always put the love of my life at the utmost priority yet i was not. For the previous relationship even. 

Being a good woman sure does sucks. I do not want to let my guards down. I do not want to lose myself again. Now, i am choosing myself. Putting myself 1st at the utmost priority. Be special to myself & love myself more and more since i cannot be anybody's utmost priority, special to anybody or someone who loves me more than i love them. 

For all that i am looking forward to now, is to achieve my dream that i had been chasing for years. Even if it takes me to be alone, i shall. I got nobody but i still got myself. 

To all the people whom i had given my love to, thank you for all the lessons that were given to me. I have forgiven everyone sincerely from the bottom of my heart. Even if i were to end my life so that i will no longer feel any pain or sadness, do know that i tried my best to be the best version of myself. 

Thank you so much. 

XoXo, 

_galangal_

Float Like a Butterfly

Dear Diary, 

I feel a lot better. I could breathe. I am happy and i am proud that i could love myself more. It is like goshh. I am in love with myself. 

To the point that i felt, if no one feels proud of me for whatever achievements i did, i have the right to be proud of myself and i manage to do it. It may be sucks. But it is alright. If i can love myself rather than wanting people to love me, why not be proud of myself for the success and achievements that I have made. 

To the point that i do not want to add anymore trauma to myself, not that i chose not to speak up but i would rather set my boundaries. Not to get myself to hurt again and put high hopes on anyone. 

I am not giving up but i want to let go of all the traumas, the pains & and failure that has been done. I honour it, acknowledge it and bid it farewell. I agree this is just the starting phase but whatever happens, i am not gonna love hard nor gonna hope high for anyone. 

If he was true, he will know, he will show and I wouldn't want to say a lot of times for what i always wanted in a relationship. I just want to be in a relationship where i do not need to have any doubts or insecurities. Honestly i do not wanna live in fear. I do not want to relapse for all the traumas that i had gone through. 

I am alright. I am happier and i really love myself. To more self love, self care & healing. 

When true loves come, it will. When i am ready. For now, it is just me with my battle to fight depression and being happy totally as a person myself. 

For now, i am taking each day step by step. The positive one i will post and share. The negative ones i will reflect, acknowledge and let it go. 

Finding peace for myself and my mental health ♥️

XoXo, 

_galangal_

Exhausted but i had fun ♥️

Dear Diary, 

I had so much fun in school today. We did role playing & shared a lot about what we have changed in ourselves towards - anger, phobia, career & family/friends. 

One by one she asked and when it comes to me, it was about changing myself towards my family. I know i am different. The love i had for my family was strong. A family oriented girl. But to the extent that i cannot decide what i want to work as or what i want to be. I have passions and i have dreams. But it was not well recognized. I was outcasted, judged & penalized. It made me fall into depression. 

But one thing for sure, i cannot continue to be like this. If no one cannot support what i want to do, then it's just me on my own to support myself. To make my dream a reality and let success make noise. My lecturer asked, "what did you do?" I said "i set boundaries, I drew the line & set a filter. She smiled and asked again, "how do you feel?". I said i am much better. 

I made friends with my classmates and surprisingly the majority of them are those minahs, lians, meenachis, bengs & mats. Mitoh, my classmates mentioned "you know ah. The majority of people who are counselors are people who came from a bad family background". Which i simply agreed with.

I was so exhausted. I didn't have a good sleep. I kept waking up in the middle of the night with full fear. I struggled waking up in the morning. But proud of myself. I made it to school. I finished my assignments and had fun in class today. Looking forward to the next lesson! 

Xoxo, 

_galangal_

Another Relapse

Dear Diary, 

Last night, i had another relapse. Another episode of suicidal attempts. This time was at the ledge at the staircase landing. 

I looked through my ig story archives of past years. Being a loyal & loving wife to a man i called my husband back then. He doesn't have anything. But i loved him. So much. I gave my all. I left my family. I went through thick & thin with him because i was loyal, faithful & loving. 

I did so much to show that he could trust me, count on me and know that i was his world. But the marriage came to a divorce. I realised, he only needed me to fill up the empty space but not wanting me to be a part of his life. 

I was so sad. So sad no matter how good you are as a person, people tend to take advantage of you. -Manipulate you and make you feel bad whereas you weren't the one who caused all these dramas. 

At this point of the stage, i felt like i am no longer good enough for anybody. I am not too good. I am good for nothing. If i was good, people wouldn't do this to me. They wouldn't hurt me. They wouldn't penalise me or bring me down. 

I felt miserable. I felt useless. I was all down and low again. Having these flashbacks made me doubt myself. Do i deserve to be loved wholeheartedly and sincerely. 

It is sad because i am still in fear. A lot of What Ifs. Is the new person be different ? Would he love me entirely? Would he show me what and how being loved by someone dearly supposed to feel like. I really don't know. 

Being a rebound, a safe spot, a hoe call & a side chick, i already went through all of that bullshit. I was wrong to trust and not judging people who in the end used me and took advantage of me. Once they got what they wanted, they made me the villain and pushed the blame on me. 

I am tired of being sad. I am really exhausted. If not for Chloe, i would have been dead by now. I hate all these flashbacks. Please bring back my happiness. 

XoXo

_galangal_

My Person ♥️

Dear Diary, 

As days pass by, i begin to heal slowly. Letting go bits & pieces of my trauma, painful past & the love that i had given to others. 

Maybe all along, what i needed the most was Love. It is not about money, looks, status or even religion or race. It was purely love. That comes from the bottom of someone's heart that made you feel "hey this is what i wanted". To feel wanted, cared for, fought for and going through thick & thin together.

I had never felt all these till i met CW. It was rocky at the start. Maybe i was still in pain, full of doubts and didn't let go of the past. Or maybe it was because of his status that made me feel that way. Or maybe we didn't know each other well. 

But we rectified & fixed it. Still getting to know each other & understand each other better. What we needed  was what we had been receiving from each other. Love, trust, Bond & the connection that we had was in sync. 

Along the way, he made me revive as a person. Being alive in a new state of mental health in the same person. I am healing and slowly getting better. One step at a time so that i would not fall into another relapse. 

If you are being loved correctly & sincerely, it will glow from your face. Which indeed i am. I am happy. Despite all the fears i had, i fought through my inner demons. To think positively. He was the person i had always wanted in life. The kind of person that I dreamt of. 

Xoxo, 

_galangal_