Empty Soul

Dear Diary, 

I am dying inside. As much as I portray myself being fine or being okay, deep inside i am numb. I am no longer sad. I am no longer feeling hurt. Just numb. But i fought  it through. I like wearing a suit and a mask. Showing people that i am alright. But when i got home, i revealed my darkest self. So empty so numb and low. 

It is not about being lonely. It is not about forgiving. It is not about healing. It is so empty. What is love ? I don't know. I don't know what it is like to be receiving love. I doubt myself. Is this for real ? Is he the one ? Is he gonna hurt me badly one day ? 

I am so lost. As much as this feeling i get from, i just do not want to have a fear of loving a person so deeply and getting myself hurt deeply in the end. 

I do not want to go through that phase anymore. Sleepless nights. Lose of appetite. Crying non-stop. So low and keep thinking of suicidal thoughts. I wished i could end my life. End my misery. 

They kept saying - i am too good. They don't deserve me. But why do they never choose to let me go ? I don't know. I am not sad. No longer sad. Because i have yet to be with someone who will say "i am so lucky to have you in my life. I deserve you for the rest of my life.". But never. Never in my life for now. 

I am no longer searching for answers. If it is meant to be, it will be. Yes it is empty - still. But let it stay that way. One day the emptiness will be filled. With full of love that i deserve and the happiness i deserve - with someone who i am going to spend the rest of my life with. 

Till death do us apart 

XoXo 

_galangal_

Once Upon A Time, which only happens in Fairytale

Dear Diary, 

It saddens me to see others celebrating their anniversaries, their partner always takes pictures of their partner & posts it on their social media on how much they love their partner and how much their partner meant to them. I am not jealous. But i had never felt that kind of treatment from the people i had loved before. Be it my ex boyfriends or my ex husband. It was always me who posted about them. Showing to the world how much this person meant in my life but they didn't when it comes to me. I was often being called childish for being that way. 

I had a lot of wishes to do with my partner. A lot. But somehow I didn't get to do it. Taking crazy pictures together. At a photobooth. I really wanna do that. Going to a funfair and winning a unicorn plushy ! Date nights, sitting by the beach at night and admiring the sky above and also

- to grow old with you 

- having you beside me when im off to sleep and i wake up 

- date nights with dinner, chilling by the sea and back home for a passionate love making 👅👅

- surprise fetch with flowers 

- to be successful together 

- have our own home 

- go out for different activities together

- travel around the world together

- loving me more everyday 

- feed me with healthy food everyday 

- pat me to sleep every night 

- play board / card games together 

- movie night together 

- to have a family with you together with a mini Nala & a mini Simba

Sometimes i felt wishes are only granted in fairytales. I had wished a lot for all the above to happen which had never happened before in my life.  It had always been me. The one who made effort. The one who kept reminding what i want and what i liked. But it did not happen.  I wouldnt want the same thing to happen again. I had wished and wanted a person who loves me dearly and who would make all my wishes come through. Till then, my point of view in terms of wishes is only granted in fairytales. 

XoXo, 

_galangal_

Follow up visit with the psychiatrist

Dear Diary,

I had my 1st appointment with the psychiatrist today. The day that i thought I was getting better. I wasnt. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. I felt like a rock bottom. 

I told my dad, my step mother about it. They only responded like it was a small issue. I kept quiet. I didn't wanna add any further. I knew it was gonna hurt me. 

The doctor doubled up my dose on the anti depressant and gave me sleeping pills. Hopefully i could sleep better at night. 

I went to get brunch with my grandmother and I didn't finish the bowl of mee rebus. Went to sheng siong to get eggs, bread & some veggie to cook for lunch to bring to work tomorrow. 

I reached home and saw the state of the kitchen. It was a mess. But i am exhausted. I felt tired. To even clean the kitchen, to prep the ingredients to cook and even to read the books that i have bought. 

All i did was to sleep. Stuck myself inside my room. Woke up to pee and sleep again. That was what i have been doing all day today. Changed my bedsheets & washed all of my clothes. 

My grandmother asked "why is this clinic so different". I replied "this clinic is for people who have mental sickness". She kept quiet. The way she approached me the whole day today was a bit different. 

She made my favourite tea and knowing I couldn't eat crabs, she fried a black pomfret with sweet & sour sauce. Told her I don't feel like eating. She said "i have already cooked. You better eat". I did. Forced myself to finish the plate. I felt nauseated. I hold it in. I didn't want to puke it out. 

I showered. I kept showering the whole day and prayed. I dont know why but i feel numb. So numb, so low that I can't afford to do the things i always did. All i could do is sleep and sleep.

Praying to be better. My closest ones mentioned "i want my Syima back. I want my Ah Yong back. I want my Nyah back. I want my kakak back". I missed myself too. I really do.

XoXo, 

_galangal_

A letter to Abdullah

Dear Abdullah, 

If only you could see things out of the box & think rationally without so much emotion. If only you could literally let go of all your past relationships done to you, things would not turn out this way. 

Slandering all kinds of bullshit about me whereas we are no longer together, pint pointing to the things that I didn't do and assuming things without evidence really took a toll on my mental health. 

Do know that because of you, I am almost there to jump down from the kitchen window. I tried to be patient with your attitude, your temper, your insecurities, your doubts & you not trusting me whenever i am out alone or when i am with my friends.

All of this really made my emotions down to the point that i felt it is useless to fight for any relationship in life. All you think of is to get married. But have you taken a good look in the mirror of yourself ? Your attitude ? Being possessive is damn suffocating. Your temper. 

No matter how hard i tried to convince you, your mind is still full of crap. 

I forgive you, for all the words that you have said, for all the things that you have done to me. The rest i leave it to Allah swt. 

You were not meant for me and i am not meant for you. If only things could be taken 1 step at a time, things would definitely be at a better perspective. It will be beautiful. 

Until you fix your mindset, emotion, trust, insecurities & stop thinking of things that did not happen, you would not be settling down for good. 

I did my best to work back then. It was always me who does all the work to fix everything. 

Thank you for everything that you have done to me. Thank you for all the hurt and damage that you have caused. May Allah bless you. 

Regards, 

_galangal_

A self reflection, a road to recovery

Dear Diary, 

Today i realised that i have been in a lot of toxic relationships throughout my whole entire life. I had always been a giver and never once a receiver. All along they only needed me but never wanted me for sure. 

I had given all my love in my past relationships and marriage but never i felt that kind of love i have been giving before. Till i feel empty. I do not know how to differentiate what it is like to be in love again. Without having doubts or being skeptical. I had always been a positive human through all past relationships. It was always me who does the job, who fixes and fights to save the relationship. 

To a point where i do not know in my upcoming relationship, will i ever have the strength to fight and fix my upcoming relationship whenever i have problems.  After all of this happens, i am starting to have doubts in relationships. Will i be happy ? Will it be a fair relationship ? The 50/50 rule. How am i going to react? 

Honestly i do not want to hurt anybody nor do i want to be hurt too. I don't want to make anyone a rebound nor do I want to be a rebound to anyone.

I should really heal. Practice self love, compassion, give myself space & time to appreciate my own me time. I had always been there for anyone who was important to me. 

Right now, i really drew a think line. Creating boundaries & being distance to all of them that never understood me at all. 

I prayed for peace & calm. To heal and be happy once again. I am slowly letting go of what was not meant to be fine and all the trauma that had made an impact in my mental health. 

I have forgiven everyone. I forgave myself. Now is the time to love myself better and heal from all the wounds. 

May one day, true love will come without me seeking. That will be the greatest relationship and marriage i am going to have till death do us apart. In shaa Allah warasul 

XoXo, 

_galangal_

Peace

Dear Diary, 

I had an impromptu meet up with Naqiah just now. (Forever impromotu but it had always been the best). Received a text & a missed call from her and i was like "this is so different. Maybe she had a problem."

I called her back and i asked "do you want to meet me & talk?". She agreed. Met her at Marsiling Park Teh Tarik Cartel. Had Satay and talked over dinner. 

It's been awhile since we caught up and just now it was indeed a fruitful one. We shared a lot of what has been  happening in our life. Exchange feedback & suggestion and be of each other's listening ears. 

We sat on the swing, looked into the sky and sang our favourite songs. Gosh. It was so peaceful. So calm. It has been a long time since I had felt that kind of calmness after years. The vibe. The company. It was just so right. We shared a lot without being judged or penalized. 

She asked me. What do you look into your partner or future husband. I said "everything but most importantly, I don't have to worry about his whereabouts. I will never feel worried and lastly - i feel so much peace & calm be it i am near or far. 

Being loyal, honest, having trust & good communication are the pillars to sustain a good relationship & marriage. Which is strong enough to hold LOVE. But having that peace & calm from a person is the best feeling that I have always wanted. The happiness from the peace and calm will somehow show the glow on your face that you are happy with the current person you are with. 

I had never felt that for a very long time. I only felt that once. So calm. So peaceful & so much love. I really miss that.

I began to appreciate peace. I appreciate being alone. Not because i am lonely. I never felt lonely. But being alone gave me calmness & peace. Which i have yet to receive from anyone. But one day, Allah will bring that person to me. Not now maybe later. Tawakkul. Believe in his plans. 

XoXo, 

_galangal_

I dont give a fuck anymore

Dear Diary, 

I am not mad nor am i pissed. But at times i just felt whatever I did, i am being judged. Is it wrong to spread awareness ? But i was being called an attention seeker.

Do they know the difference between attention seekers and wanting to be heard ? Do they know that not all humans have good iman and faith ? Do they know that we humans are not perfect ? 

I have drawn a line, set boundaries and eliminated all toxicity & negativity that i had received from others. I kept my circles small and went through my days as per normal. Finding happiness, finding peace & finding the thing that fit this empty space in me. It may not be a person, a thing or whatsoever. I dont know. I am still searching. 

I am exhausted. I am tired. I just want to keep on going with my life happily. I was not born to please anyone. 

If you care, you will. If you dont, just please shut up. Thank you. 

XoXo,

_galangal_