To A Great New Start

Dear Diary, 

This will be the last post for this blog. Finally i had the strength to let go of the last strain of my traumas, unlock the last lock of my past baggage and forgave myself for putting myself into much danger. I could finally see things clearly. Being more cautious with people and to protect myself more than being a people pleaser. 

I cannot change the fact for what had happened. The people who i love did not love me as much as i did, i was taken for a ride, outcasted by my own family and the most precious gift that i had lost - my child. Things happened for a reason. It was all planned by Allah swt. Be it good or bad, it has always been the best for His servant in this dunya. 

I am going to let this blog stay as it is. A reminder that not everyone you could pour your heart into. Some are just passing clouds. The passing clouds that hurt you the most. 

Lastly, i am embarking on a new journey. A journey that will forever give me light, compassion, respect and the dream that i had wanted to achieve. It is alright to fail this module. Nothing can bring me down now. 

With much love and misses 

_galangal_ 

Failure is the start of a new beginning.

Dear Diary, 

On the last day of Ramadhan, i got my results for my previous module. Instead of being happy for Raya the next day, it was indeed an emotional night. Gotten an F. I knew I didn't do well for the paper, the quiz and the assignments. 

Still on the period of healing even though i chose to leave. The loss of my child and i had the answer that it was true, Charles didn't love wholeheartedly. It was indeed the worst trauma and pain that i had ever encountered. Flashbacks started when he once told me that he failed his degree and master due to what Dashani did to him, mentally & emotionally torturing him. He did the same as well. I wasn't wrong for being a rebound to him.

But fret not, this is not gonna bring my guts down to achieve the things that i would want to do. To be a counselor for Youths, Inmates & people who are struggling with mental health. It shall all start in me. 

I knew i was just a rebound. If he truly loves me, he would not have gaslighted me, played the victim card and blamed my depression for the downfall of this relationship. But itsokay. I forgave for what he did. Kept him in my prayers so that Allah showed him the path and let him feel what i felt all along. Kifarah sure exists. It was written in the Quran, never let a woman shed her tears especially when she is in her sujood and crying to Allah for what that person did. Kifarah happens not just to the person. It may happen to their loved ones too. 

The pain that you brought to me, will i remember for the rest of my life. May you feel how painful it is being treated that way. May Allah return back to you for the things that you did to me. I am not gonna be the woman who only led you to Allah and the mother to Cassius. I will always be the woman whom you gonna remember that you have hurt and mistreated badly. You led me to healing but you destroyed my life and my hope for you. 

Thank you and May Allah show you the path. 

Xoxo 

_galangal_

Eid Mubarak !

Eid Mubarak to all Muslims & Muslimahs in this Dunya! First day of Syawal was lit but so so hot to the core! Spamming raya pics here ! 

The relapse i had was indeed scary. Suddenly my brain was zoning out, my mood was low and being suicidal everyday. No. Not because of this person. But another person who insisted on having closure, who never fails to keep me in the loop. Who wants to see me crumbling down and destroy me. The person who brought me to healing but hurt me the most. 

In the journey of healing, you are not alone. Allah is there. Allah sent someone to be there to support, to assure and to always remind you that whatever obstacles to come, always remember our Creator. For whatever hardship shall come ease. Thank you Abie. You are indeed a blessing in disguise. There was a reason why we separated 11 years ago. 

Keep us in your prayers.

Xoxo

_galangal_ ♥️

Relapse.

Dear Diary, 

I dont know if they just want to destroy my happiness or if they just want to see me suffer without them. It took me months to finally move forward. Not looking back anymore. But I don't seem to understand by the sentence of "found your peace/ person" but you are still reading my blog, visit my ig, fb and twitter. 

But nevertheless, i have already forgiven you. I knew i was just a rebound. You did not love me that much as what you meant. I was dumb. I should have just left from the start. But yeah. Out of love, i stayed still. Till I can't hold it any longer. That was when i decided to leave. The day i decided to leave was the closure i had given to you. 

I know this relapse is even worse than before. Waking up feeling lethargic, hopeless and endless suicidal thoughts really tempts me a lot. But it is okay. I shall and i will overcome it and heal properly. 

I believe in Allah's plan. He opened up my eyes, my mind and my heart. There was a reason why me & Taufik parted. Allah put the both of us into so much heartbreak and pain. When Allah reunites us back, it was so unbelievable this was what a true healthy  relationship is. I felt calm. I am at peace. Even when there are doubts, he never failed to reassure that it will be okay. 

Its a matter of time. I have put everything behind. The rest i leave it to Allah swt. 

Xoxo 

_galangal_

Forgiveness Part II

The hardest battle of a human is to forgive. Many have forgotten that Allah swt is The Most Merciful & forgives each of his servant who seek forgiveness and repent. Also not forgetting Prophet Muhammsd saw forgives his Ummah who repents and seeks refuge in Allah swt. This journey battling with depression was clearly about forgiving myself and forgiving the people who caused such chaos in my life. It hurts, shattered my hope, losing myself and feeling hopeless being a human despite being an empath. I didn't ask for it but Allah created me this way. Last Saturday was the last hard cry that i ever had in my entire life. I forgave the people who mistreated me, who caused a big impact on my mental health. Thank you for all the lessons. I learnt a lot - the hard way. The rest i shall leave it to Allah swt. "For every hardship shall come ease" Quran 94:5, Al-Inshirah

Xoxo, 

_galangal_ 

The Last Cry

Dear Diary, 

On that day when Charles send me that text, it brought me down into anxiety and i had suicidal thoughts. I am really moving forward with life but somehow the person who said i wamted to destroy his life was trying to destroy mine.  Wasnt being myself this whole day and i asked Taufik if i can come over. Just didnt feel like going home. 

The moment he look into my eyes and asked me whats wrong, i just burst into tears. It was not the silent cry. I was wailing, grieving my lungs out on Taufik's chest. No words could describe that feeling. The cries answers it all. Taufik was comforting me, told me to isghtifar and let me cry all out.  

Finally i could breath and was much calmer than before. This will be my final cry for someone who destroyed my life and my mental health.  For someone who gaslighted me badly without realising it and that someone who took me for a ride. 

I am no longer angry neither citing any grudges. But i believe in Allah's plan and i leave it to Allah swt to deal with him. May you treat this lady fairly not like how you treated me and not to cheat like how you did to Dashani. 

I am not gonna be a person like you who destroy someone's life. The truth shall be told one day.  You may be somewhere up there now but Allah could take it away from you anytime.  

I accepted the fact sincerely that i was put through this test. There will always be a rainbow after a heavy downpour. I felt relieve after that hard cry. May Allah give me strength and hidayah to be a better woman and grant me Jannah.  

Xoxo, 

_galangal_

Kifarah

Dear Diary, 

Everyone will have their fair share of kifarah.  If you have moved on, you would not be reading my blog. You finay found your person ? Your peace ? Great. Cause it is not new to me. You did that to me too. Mentioning i was your person and i was your peace. But look at what you have done to me? Yet you still have the cheek to text me. I am amazed. 

I had mentioned on my previous post, i have forgiven you. I want to forget you. Amazed by the fact that i was no longer a secret among your closest one ? Why ? Because we are done. If we were still together ? I will always be a secret in your life. They only know your side of story but not mine. 

You were not there when i had the pregnancy and you were not there during the miscarriage. You were only the contributor that Cassius came to life in my womb even if it was just for awhile. 

I didnt even stalk your blog, you tweets, your ig or even your fb because you brought me down, you destroyed my life and you shattered my hope. But still i forgave you. Why ? Because i do not even want to see you in front of Allah.  I do not want to see ever in this dunya. 

Kifarah exist. Everyone will have a fair share by Allah swt. It may not happen to you but it may happen to your love ones.  I am finally at peace. Dont destroy it another time. I lost myself because of you. 

A cheater will always be a cheater. A manipulator will always be a manipulator. A gaslighter will always be a gaslighter. For what you had mentioned about Dash to me, you are becoming like her too. 

What goes around shall comes around. The prayers of the onea who was hurt will always be accepted. 

Xoxo, 

_galangal_

Thursday Mayhem

Dear Diary, 

The visit to the psychiatrist was indeed a wonderful check up. Gained 4kg in weight! I had a great session with the docot last  Thursday and i am shoeong tremendous improvement. No longer hope on sleeping tablets since November 2022 and feel so much positivity each day at work and at school. 

The doctor asked, how did i ?  I told her i want to be a counselor. If i dont help myself, how am i suppose to help people? She was amazed. She asked what were the things i did. I told her all i needed was a deep rest. I said, i was too used to negative energy, burning myself out and getting into toxic relatiionships. 

Now it was more about being calm and at peace. I no longer do cooking videos . Majority of the things i used to do, i switched to something relaxing. Reading, meditating, read some verses of the Quran and obviously cleaning my room and wardrobe. Lol. 

She mentioned that it would be great if i would be a part of the support group for mental health. Still giving it some thoughts. But now i enjoy the peace that i have.  I feel so much alive with the positive people i have around me. 

I hsd iftar later that day at Taufik's mom place. Both me and his mom have the same interest - TAMIL MOVIE ! We had conversation about the actors like Ajit Kumar,  Kamal Hassan aaannnddd SIMBU ! Was so excited telling her about the his new movie! 

We watched TPUFC versus HUFC and i am soo proud of the lads to be moving up to the 5th position. KHAIRUL AMRI IS THE GOAT! 

But i dont get it why he was not the Man Of the Match.  Still havent got the courage to head down to the stadium to watch the lads kick off but Taufik understood why. He said "itsokay, take your time. Once you are ready, we shall go together". 

Yknow when you are so used to doing things on your own and being on survival mode but a wrestler came and things are slowly changing 180 degrees. The mindset of "its no longer you or me. Its about us". 11 years of survival mode and finally i could  rest. Yes it is indeed awkward. But i shall get a grip of this. A fresh start to a healthy relationship. 

Grateful for all this. Alhamdulilah. 

Xoxo, 

_galangal_

Cheers to the 11th year ♥️

Dear Diary, 

Alhamdulilah for the 11 years of friendship. We grew together since ITE as a group of 18 people and down to the last 4 standing. Grateful for them. A great iftar we had at Picanhas & had Teh Zafran at Tarik. It was my favourite tea that i reccomended to Taufik and the rest. The tea is a must to try. 

One by one are settling down for good to complete each of our deens. Allah made our circles small because he knows which are thes best for us. 

May Allah reunite us in Jannah. In shaa Allah warasul. 

Xoxo 

_galangal_ 

A letter to my baby daddy

Dear Charles, 

It has been close to five months since the day i decided to leave that relationship for good. My days are getting better each day ever since that day. I learnt the fact that this relationship is going to be toxic be it my mental health issue was at bay or i am mentally stable. 

No woman wants to be a second option, a reserve card neither as a mistress. A woman who does that simply because she does not want to be alone and would sacrifice her happiness just to be with someone. I didn't want to lose myself even though i loved you more than anything else. 

Trust is sacred. If trust was broken, it is hard to build back the trust. I understood why Dash was like that after she caught you. She was all over you and truly loyal to you for the past years. I may not know her. But i only knew the story from you. A loyal partner will always have insecurities once they catch their partner cheating. 

When you were with me, you were drained. Drained from reassuring me and drained from making things okea. Why ? You were not healed from that marriage yet. As much as you mentioned i kept using break up card, you had also used youe cues when it comes to reassuring me. 

You mentioned my depression took a toll in this relationship.  But when i realised, it wasnt my depression but it was your divorce procedings that took a toll on this relationship. 

You mentioned that you you thought i had healed. Nobody is properly healed. There will be flashbacks. Just like you, having flashbacks of what your past did to you. Your ex cheated on your and such. You took it upon me so that you can feel the thrill of cheating and seeing your own partner making out with another person. 

I didnt agree to the offer you made that night for that massage. I didnt feel right. Im submissive and loyal as fuck to you and i only wanted to do all those things with you - not having someone else.  But still i was to be blamed. You used the victim card on me - i chose to leave. 

Little did you realise, you became selfish towards the person who wants to be a part of your life, who accepts who you are, respected you and not looking down on you despite of all your flaws. You drew a big line towards me. You didnt see all that. Because you didnt dive into my feelings and how much i wanted this relationship to sustain. 

If i didnt want to save this relationship, i would not have seek help from the psychiatrist nor go for counselling to get myself better. Yet you didnt see the effort i made that far.  You chose to put the blame on me. 

I got to know i had Cassius. I didnt even wanna tell you because of the trauma you put me through. The ownership for Groot. You mentioned you would fight to get Groot's custody. I kept it all to myself so that i would not have the fear to lose Cassius. If you could do that to Dash, you could do that to me. If you could cheat a lot of times when you were with Dash, it is possible you could do that to me. But Allah took Cassius away from me. But i accept the fact that it was written. My boy will save me and bring me to Jannah with him. 

I am glad that through me, Allah gave you hidayah to accept Islam. I forgave you from the bottom of my heart and had always kept you in my prayers despite of all the hurt and trauma you had cause through my healing process.  Allah sees. Allah knows. Kifarah exist. 

Lastly, you did not love me that much as how i loved you wholeheartedly. Thank you for leading me towards healing despite being hurt badly by you at the end.  Allah has better plans for me ahead.  I hope one day you will truly realise how much you meant the world to me than the rest did for you. 

P/S; i will forever remain a secret in your life. The secret that you will never forget till the end of time. 

Best of luck & May Allah bless you 

Xoxo, 

_galangal_

Dear Diary, 

Do you ever felt you found your inner peace with someone? The person who gave you peace. Who wants to be there, who gives you what you had never received, reassurance, words of affirmation and always checking up on you to ensure thst you are alright? I didnt find. He came without me expecting it to happen. 

It was indeed a miracle. We seperated 11 years ago (we were not even dating) without letting each other know that we liked each other. But Allah's plan is indeed great. He made us walk through a lot of hurdles, heart breaks and meeting the wrong people. Which lead us to each other. 

The person was you. Beyond words to explain what i felt. The journey to move forward and to let go of all the pain that was holding me back. The miracle of Allah's plan. To put me with a person who i had never expected to be with. 

11 years was indeed a rough journey but now we got each other, building each other up, supporting each other's dream and be there for each other through high and low. Thank you for everything T.A. 

Allah took away my little boxer and gave me a wrestler. To Infinity and beyond, to Jannah together - In shaa Allah warasul. 

T.AxS.A ♥️

Xoxo, 

_galangal_ 

Moving forward 🫰

Dear Diary, 

As we bid goodbye to February, i am welcoming March with full of happiness and positivity. Looking forward to Ramadhan and Terawih with Mak for the 1st time. 

A few days ago, i had a counselling session again. It was a really quick session and my counselor was indeed happy to see me glowing and showing a lot of positivity. The journey of seeing me grow as a person was really a big leap ahead. I told her now, i am at peace and slowly gaining happiness. 

There are still times where i will have the urge to cry especially having a dream about CW. I dont know why each time i pass by places or dream of him would make my feelings distorted and my mood will go down to the core. 

I still do not have the courage to swing by Jurong East Stadium to Catch TPUFC matches. There were indeed a lot of memories. Although it was only 6 months, it sure carries ALOT of memories together. 

I do not need to say much of how much i loved CW wholeheartedly. All i could say was, if only he understood how big my love for him was. Maybe he didn't love me as much as i do. 

Nevertheless, i have already forgiven him dunya and akhirat. Had always kept in my prayers to be under the protection of Allah swt and may Allah ease all of his journey to be a mualaf. I do not want to hold grudges as I don't wish to see him in front of Allah for not forgiving him in this dunya. 

I am moving forward. Towards my goals and peace. Still hustling to pass my Diploma with flying colors. Ya Allah, may 2023 be the year full of blessings and positivity for me. In Shaa Allah warasul. 

Xoxo, 

_galangal_

Forgiveness & a peaceful death

Dear Diary, 

Tonight's tahajjud was a bit different from the other nights. It was not the feeling of sadness. More of a relief. To finally forgive everyone, the people who have caused a lot of impact on my mental health, the people who destroyed my life, the people who did me bad and wrong, the people who took advantage of me and the people who hurt me badly in the past. Having setbacks, resentments & baggage is indeed a bad idea to move forward. It won't do you good and it won't make you happy. I am at a stage where i am at my utmost peace and being calm at all kinds of situations. Lastly, all i wanted before I closed my eyes was to have a peaceful death and not hold anybody during the Judgement Day. Thankful for this journey. It somehow made me wiser as a person.

Xoxo,

_galangal_ 

Blessing in disguise

We parted 11 years ago. We were young, wild & free. Never once we mentioned to each other that we liked each other. Ghosted each other. 

During that 11 years, we went through a lot of hell with the wrong people. But i believe in Allah's plan. He made us learn, heal and understand what is suppose to be done. Allah let us found ourselves again, older and mature enough to finally understand life. 

Kun Faya Kun - If Allah say be then it shall be. Thank you for being my peace. Thank you for your constant reassuring. Thank you for always making sure that i am alright. It may be too soon but i leave it to Allah. Thank you for being such a sweetheart. So soft & a gentleman. Your mum raised you well T.A. 

Looking forward to more dates ahead. ❤️

XoXo, 

_galangal_

Tawakkul - Believe in Allah's plan

 Dear Diary, 

11 years ago, i got to know T.A during our ITE days. We could connect & would talk every night to get to know each other. But it only lasted for a few months. I back off because i thought he finally had someone new.

11 years has passed, Allah showed me the signs. We reconnected back and walking down through memory lane. The 1st time when he approached me in ITE Macpherson canteen - " hi syima. nice to see you" Imagine, i was all boyish and harsh. Aint a lady like as what i am now. HAHAHAHAHA 

But somehow, i found peace in this person. No doubts, no insecurities & i love it when we had deep talks about our future plans, our dreams & such. Never had i ever met a person who is so interested in you when each time they see you, it is only you and phones aside. I truly appreciate the respect that was given. The quality time & the words of affirmation. 

The peace i felt somehow brought me back to life as a new person. Looking forward to start my day positive & well each day. No. I did not look for him nor i was looking for love. The previous relationship somehow gave me a good learning lesson. Never to find love for it will hurt badly. 

But Allah brought him to me. Each day, during tahajjud i prayed for peace. I had always prayed for peace. Allah brought me to T.A. Maybe his mum's prayers right in front of the Kaabah was answered. Or maybe my prayers were answered. I dont know. But as what i mentioned, i trust in His Plans. 

Me & T.A are still getting to know each other well, supporting each other's dream & motivating each other to do well everyday. I truly appreciated it. Allah took away my little boxer and probably gave me a wrestler. Wallahualam. It is His Plan. 

Not looking forward to have any relationship with T.A but if his name was written in the Loh Mahfuz to be my future spouse, then it shall be it. Now i truly understand. Having a spouse is not just about love, sex, honesty & communication. It is more on peace. How peaceful when you are around them or far from them. Alhamdulilah for everything.If you find peace in a person, marry the, they say. But as of now, i leave it to Allah swt. 

May Allah keep all of us safe from harm & gives us Hidayah to be a better muslim. Keeping everyone in my prayers. My muslim friends, world wide. May we see each other in Jannah - for that we will live happily eternally. 

Xoxo: 

Little Boxer's Mama 

_galangal_

Alhamdulilah for this journey

Dear Diary, 

So many things happened in 2022. Syukur alhamdulilah for all the hurdles that i went through. I am at peace and being calm even if there is a slight sadness lingering in this little heart. 

I finally understood that the people i have met were either manipulative, narcissistic or only accept me on their own terms but never wholeheartedly. The last relationship i had, somehow hit me hard in the head. Realising that this is not the kind of love. It is not based on 50/50 or gender equality. It is not about putting yourself 1st before everything. 

But it's about putting 100% into the relationship to build a great empire, give & take, push and pull & know when to draw the line when it intrudes your boundaries. If you aren't 100% into the relationship, my question was, what is the point of having one? For the sake of lust? Being alone? 

I got to know quite a handful of men and the majority are just red flags. I don't know why but my heart isn't ready. There wasn't any connection. Couldnt vibe. Or i could merely be their friends. Not more than that. 

No. It is not about wanting to be back with CW. It no longer exists in my mind. Love is there but that doesn't mean i have to lose my dignity to someone who doesn't value me for what i already am. Moving forward i accept the fact. It was all just passing by. Why must i stay if i were to live in fear. Full of doubts and insecurities. Constant reassurance was a hassle but little did he understand what i felt within. There are 2 different meanings by keeping a relationship in private and keeping a relationship in secret.

One thing i am proud of myself, i am no longer in fear. No longer having nightmares. No longer having doubts and no longer feeling sad. I felt so much peace. I felt so calm.and no longer hopping on the sleeping pills to sleep. Alhamdulilah for everything.  

Allah took C.A from me. Maybe there is a reason. The reason that there would not be any dispute of having C.A under whose custody that would bring trauma to him. But its okay my little boxer. Mama will see you soon. 

I have forgiven everyone. It is not about happiness all time round. It is more about being at peace. I am happy that i made the move to leave my last relationship for the sake of my peace and my mental health.

I believe in Allah's plan.  Alhamdulilah for everything. 

_XoXo_ 

Little Boxer's Mama 

_galangal_ 

Wednesday

Wednesday - A series of Netflix. 

Psychologically diagnosed by doctors but each and one of them are actually battling with their own inner demons. People pleasing, childhood abuse, emotionally abused & all other forms of trauma. As parents, we shape our kids. We are their role model. What they see, feel, hear and think comes from what we nurtured them since they were young. 

If we could observe the series till the end, the majority of the students have different psychological backgrounds. What did their parents do ? Send them off to Nevermore and light to get their kids to cure. Psychiatric medication does not cure. It only helps to sustain from the condition to get worse. But at the end of the series, they seek comfort, love, trust & respect from each and one of their classmates. Coming from different backgrounds of life uniting as ONE to save the school. Wednesday being a cold and stubborn headed child, broke the ice for not isolating herself even though she was selfish & ego at the start. 

Lesson learnt from this series, 

1. Quality of friends are needed 

2. Support and motivation are needed 

3. Do not force/manipulate a child to follow the family tradition. Accept them for who they are. Every human is special & unique in their own ways. 

4. Be open, truthful & honest about each other's past. Do not let others manipulate their mind with false statements. It could ruin their thoughts especially when they are mentally unstable. 

Good job Netlfix. Wednesday Series 2, i am rooting for you.

Acceptance

Moving forward, i have come to an acceptance for everything. It is alright to keep falling & crying. It may be tiring. But i believe in this - Tawakkul. We enter people's lives as  a form of blessing. Maybe our existence is to give light, support, repentance and all the good things. But we often realise that we got the bad instead of being nice. Fret not, Allah is saving you for the best, He lets you go through hardship because He knows you are strong. At the end of it, a reward shall be given for being patient. It may not be rewarded in this Dunya but In shaa Allah in the Hereafter. Healing is a long process i believe. But putting effort into healing is a true fighter who wants to let go of the past and be better for the future. May Allah ease all of our affairs and bless all of us in forms of happiness & Rizq. ❤️

Xoxo

_galangal_

Dengue took away my rainbow baby

 Dear Diary, 

I have kept it from everyone with regards to my pregnancy. December 14th, was the date I did a test on the HCG that I bought from Watson. I felt super tired despite having enough ample of sleep. Nauseous, vomiting & craving for sugary food. I took the test on the morning of December 14th and the result were positive. I was very unsure as i had the Mirena in my womb so it is unlikely to be pregnant. December 25th, i did a check again and it still came out positive. 

My gynae appointment is a month away. I didnt know what went into my head but abortion is strictly out of the list. I had massive panic anxiety attacks, crying every night & thinking how could i even raise a child on my own. Am I capable enough? 

It took me 2 weeks to finally get on my feet & tell myself, " Syima, you are gonna be a mom. Even if it takes for you to raise your child single hand, you can do it. I lead my life as per usual. Had always been feeling lethargic, hungry & emotional. 

Now i know why Chloe had always head bumping her head towards my tummy and had always been so closed to me. She was protecting her little brother/sister. I have been keeping a lot from people lately. I deactivated every social media, trying to heal & accepting the fact it is what it is. 

January, I was counting down to the days that i am going to visit the gynae. Praying that my baby will be fine & the Mirena is safe to be pulled out without affecting my baby. Everyday i did Dzikir to my baby "subhanallah walhamdulillah wa la ilaha illallah wa allahu akbar" while pating Chloe to sleep as well. 

17th January, the day i had fever flu like symptom. Went to A&E and totally forgot that i was pregnant as i was worried for my fever. Went home & slept like a log. My fever reached at its peak of 42 degrees. Was so weak that i can even get up to go to the toilet. Exactly at midnight, i had a severe cramp on my lower abdomen. It was even worst than the period cramp. My thoughts were like "ya i didnt poop the whole day that was why it trigger. I went to the toilet slowly and blood gushing through my thighs. I only realize it when i was in the toilet. There i knew. I lost my baby. There was a sudden urge of something pushing out from my womb and there was my baby. Such a tiny flesh with full of blood. I cried in the toilet for hours. 

I had on and off high fever till last night on the 20th Jan, that was the worst fever i had. My head was spinning non stop & vomited on and on. Drank the water that my grandmother gave me to help with my immune and i broke into cold sweat & shivering. Fall asleep at 3 am. 

I woke up this morning feeling a bit better but still recovering from my flu & cough and also the lost of my baby. I do not know how many months old it was in my womb neither its gender. But in my religion, if a child was lost due to miscarriage without knowing its gender, it should be named as a male. I named him Cassius Ali, the name that the father wanted to name if we have a son in the future which is unlikely to happen too. 

I accept the lost. Even if i had lost him in this world, Allah knows the best. May we be reunited in Jannah my Love. Thank you for letting me feel how it is like to have a soul in my womb. I see you on the other side, Cassius Ali. 

Xoxo: 

_galangal_