"I dont deserve you. You are too good for me"

Dear Diary, 

As i am writing this, i am still crying. As much as i wanted to heal and i am healing, 2 sentences broke me down. 

"I don't deserve you. You are too good for me." Why is it that good people always get hurt instead ? Why do these people not know how to appreciate good people who are there for them ? 

So many questions running into my mind. Do i have to be bad ? So that they deserve me ? Is it wrong to be so good ? Why do people keep chasing the bad ones ? Why ? 

I am tired. I just want to be happy. I had enough of being sad. It hurts. It is killing me inside. Just leave and go if you don't deserve me. Just leave and go if i am too good for anyone. Please leave. 

For once let me live happily. I am begging. Please. 😭

Suicidal Thoughts & I am done

Dear Diary, 

I had the thoughts again last night. It wasnt about jumping down from the window. I was an inch close to gobble down all the anti depressant pills and to put myself to sleep till i wont wake up anymore. 

Battling with this is hard. You cant even let it out to your love ones due to fear. Fear they will say you are not healing. But little did they know that it is hard. 

I took a step back from all of these people. Who literally say they are here for me or they want to be there for me. In an actually account, they are not. They cant even listen. The attentiom was not meant for me either. 

All the words mentioned to me saying i was "self pity", i needed help, i didnt heal & such, is really demoralising. It brought me down to the ground. I realise all that. I know their intention was to make me realise. But at times, they dont realise it either. They cant accept the fact that i want to make them realise too. I am always the sort of person who would hurt you with the truth so that you can see the big picture. But these people dont understand but did all that to me. 

I came to a point where i realise i do not want to talk neither do i want to listen. Cause by both ways, i wont heard at all. Everyone needs a listening ear. So do i. But these people when they listen, they wanna talk alot. They would say these and that. Which at times doesnt help me at all. But when it comes to them, i am the one who is causing them to hurt. Because they just want me to listen. 

I can accept all forms of feedback. Be it good or harsh. But before you want to do that to me, mirror yourself. Dont think highly of yourself. God is greater and higher than you. Anytime everything could dissapear within a second. 

All i could do is to just keep quiet and create a distance from everyone. If it takes me to be alone to cure, i wouldnt mind. Afterall i had God. I would rather go through this journey on my own. 

XoXo,

_galangal_

Going good

Dear diary, 

As days passed by, i got stronger to let go of the past, the hurts, the sadness and all of the trauma that i have kept inside for very long. 

That night I cried all out in my prayers till I fell asleep, i woke feeling light and full of energy. That was where I realised that I needed to help myself to heal. To be better, to be wiser. 

I didn't need love. I didnt need a special person to be by my side to heal. I needed myself to think straight, to be happy & to love myself. That is when others who see as a person whom i can be in love with. 

Being alone does not define you being lonely. Being alone shows how strong you are to be living your life full of happiness & joy. That is where you know that this was what you have always wanted and you wanted to achieve. 

Along the way, love shall come on its own. At the right place & the right time. Nobody is an option. But you have to make the right choice in order to be happy. 

XoXo, 

_galangal_

Pulling Out

Dear Diary, 

Last night i cried my heart all out. Letting go of all the sadness i have kept within. I prayed to Allah. Seeking forgiveness for i had sin badly. I cried in my last sujood. Asking for forgiveness, asking for peace and calm. Asking for a way out of this misery feeling. 

The empathy i had in me was too deep. I dived into a person's soul to understand what they are facing and what they felt. It wasnt a mistake. But it was a wrong move that got me into so much of heartbreaks and sadness till i became negative myself as a person. 

This morning, i woke up. I felt better and told myself, it is time to take a small step forward. Dont be stagnant. No one is going to save me. Even Allah is not going to save me because i didnt put in any effort to start healing. I realised i dont need to cling on to anyone. I just need my closest one to hear me. 

I put on the shirt that i bought, i put on make up and finally took a selfie of myself after weeks of hiding myself in the dark. Eventhough the eyebags are the evidence of all the terrors i had but i know that shall heal too 1 day. 

Finally i could breath. I feel lighter. I feel at ease. I can think. I can laugh and i can be silly. I really miss laughing out loud till tears roll down. It has been awhile i had all that. 

Lastly, i asked Allah to filter me away from people who are using me, playing me out and misleading me out from my religion. I am a sinner. But i remember my religion, my God & my Prophet saw. 

If Love was meant to be mine one day, Allah will pair me up without me even trying to find it. All i need to do know is to love myself,heal & be happy. 

I am looking forward for school and my Bali trip in January next year. My 1st ever solo trip. May this trip be memorable one for me. 

P/S: i have lost 7kg as of now ! To more shedding of weight! Yeayyyh ♥️♥️♥️

Road To Recovery ♥️

XoXo,

_galangal_

Moving On

Dear Diary, 

I knew, my existence may at times be temporary. For now, i am not giving up rather much i am letting go for being a people person for the wrong person. 

Despite being in the state of healing, i had always look up for the one who are closest to me. I knew how hard it is to be alone with a unstable state of mind. 

But then i realise, 2 souls who are still healing, not emotionally stable are not meant to be for each other. Maybe this was just temporary a small light to show me the right path but i know it was not meant for me. 

For now, i learnt to let go. Not because i gave up. I set my own priorities and positivity. 

To Charles, 

Thank you for the time we had spent together. I already knew things wouldnt turn out well between us. As much as i am your person, i knew it was not meant to be for us to be together for now. 

Maybe in the future, if God permits that we were made for one another, we will. Even if we are not, i hope you will get someone who can be the strong pillars whom you could rely on. I am sorry i am not the one for you, neither you are the one for me. 

XoXo, 

_galangal_ 

Self Reflection

Dear Diary, 

I started to learn not to Hope. I started to learn to have my own space, my own walls, my own safe & comfort zone. 

I got tired of sharing my sorrow, my soul and my stories. Sometimes what i tried to convey is not how a person thinks and surely i cannot change the way people think. 

I was on the verge of breaking down while on the way home just now. Luckily i gotten Aiqa and i wws told to take a deep breath and exhale. I was calm after that. 

Rather than finding Love, loving myself entirely would be a better idea. What i give, i should not expect to get it back in return. For now, i shall give everything to myself. Love myself more and have my own peace of mind. 

Love is not cruel. But people made it be. Wrong people made it be. If Love was meant to be mine, it will be. If it is not, move along. Better days are coming. 

XoXo 

_galangal_ 

Grieving

 Dear Diary, 

Grieve for all the love that I have lost till I do not have enough for myself. I knew I should not have from the start, but it was all the empathy i had within. I crave to be loved deeply by a person till i did not see any red flags coming in. That was when i started to fall & shattered. Broken into pieces. 

At this point of time, i am like a child. Taking baby steps one at a time. Still feeling empty within. I had given up crying. I cannot see to whom should i hold a grip onto. To whom should i trust that they are going to be there, be it come what may, we shall go through this together. 

At this point of time, i do not know what to feel. Just empty, full of doubts & how shall i start trusting people. How shall identify which people really loves and which people only want to take advantage of me. 

I was told that i am self pity. But i did not want that. All i wanted was stability of my mental health, my feelings & being given tons of love, care & concern. But i know, i cant be getting all of that. Others have their own life too. 

I was told to Husnuzon - thing the good ide of life. Follow the flow. But what if i got hurt in the end, again? I dont want to think so much. It is going to hurt me again. 

How do i let it go of all these and set on a thick filter so that i would not bother and be hurt again. 

I dont know. I really dont. In the end, i do not want to hurt anyone neither do i want to hurt myself either. 

I just want to breath, be happy with a fine loving ass partner who i would share my tears & joy, who i would wake up to everyday, who i could get crazy with & be madly in love as days passes by. 

I cant be possibly disturbing my closer ones each day. Maybe 1 day, that day will come. The person who is my person. Who will never stop showing love to me everyday, who never fail to be attentive to what i share everyday & who never stop making me feel that i am the most luckiest woman on Earth. 

For now, it was all a dream. May this dream turns into reality one day. 

XoXo, 

_galangal_

Let it just be me & Allah swt.

Dear Diary, 

I have shown a lot of Love towards others and i do expect to be return the same. At times, i do have a strong beliefs of why Allah let me give that much of Love to every wrong person i have met. The trust i had for each one of them & the hope i had for each one of them. 

Today, i realised 1 thing. I should have love myself & Allah more. I should trust in Allah more & i should have put the HOPE in Allah instead of humans. While praying for Isyak, i felt calm. All i prayed for was to be forgiven, to be closer to Allah, to heal & to be happy and grateful for what i am & what i have. 

People come & people leave. But why did i cry for all who abandon me ? Who outcasted me ? Whereas Allah is there. I could have just talk to him during prayers. Which i did. I prayed for peace, calmness & cure to this heart that was broken by humans. 

For now, the trust in humans are restricted. I hsve set a mindset of i can hear what they said, they promised and whatsoever, but trust is limited. 

Hope, the only hope i have is in Allah. Whatever journey he has written for me, i had hope that He has written a nice ending for me. Hoping that i would be forgiven. Hoping that the journey i will be going through in the future will be granted ease despite every hurdles. 

Love. For now, lets love myself more. Put myself 1st and heal. If the right person has been written for me in the future, in shaa Allah it will be. 

"and will provide him sustenance from whence he never even imagined. Whoever puts his trust in Allah, He shall suffice him. Surely Allah brings about what He decrees; Allah has set a measure for everything"

-Surah Talaq 65:3

Xoxo ♥️

_galangal_

Self Love

Dear Diary, 

After breakfast and grocery shopping with Mak, i took the anti depressant pill & hypertension pill as it is a daily routine to take. 

Knock in 10 minutes and woke 45 minutes after. A good power nap that i drooled badly. A quick brain power shut down. 

I booked an appointment with the Indian Parlour for a Brazilian waxing with Upper Lip & Lower Chin waxing. 

After 2 years of not getting BW, bruhhhh suddenly the feeling of anxious run into my blood stream. But the staff was friendly. Her name was Jagdeep. The moment she waxed around my labia, she tried to strip it off but it was painful. So we told each other "okea count till 3, then i pull okea?" I took a deep breath and zzrrrrttttt ! All my pubic hair are gone. After all the vagina area was done with waxing, she went for my buttocks & even around my anus was waxed too. She saw my marks dur to scratching and my skin were dry. She suggested mr to buy the Vitamin E oil to treat the area. A treat to myself and pamper myself with lots of love, i bought it. Yeayyy. Okea so now mummy's pussy is smooth like baby's cheek ! Kekekekeke. 

So i left the shop and walk ahead. Stop in front of Snip Avenue & told myself - lets rebond my hair. The hairdresser remembered me ! So honoured ! Asked me long time no come and all. So i got confuse with the 2 guys. The one who always did my hair was on off today so the other guy did. We talked and all. One of the female staff remembered me as the girl who likes to scrap off her hair 😝😝😝 "wahh 1 year already right ? So long already. Good la dont cut. More pretty". I smiled and nodded. I was so damn sleepy and my phone was dying. 

Tadaaa so here is my hair. Snip it all short and neat. Its been so long i didnt had a selfie. I look so ugly still. 😝😝😝 But it is alright, i will shine soon. Eventhou i spend 200 over dollars. Once in awhile okea la. 

Road to self compassion, self love & pamperedness. Thank you Allah for everything. ♥️

XoXo,

_galangal_ 

Baby steps

Dear Diary,

I had a good sleep last night. Woke up groggy but i went through the day well. Today was a busy day but it was indeed fantastic cause time passes by soo fast. 

I woke up and whip up a good nasi goreng ikan bilis with fishcakes, fried egg and sambal belacan. Made myself a sandwich with unseasoned omlette, tuna, lettuce, Jap cucumber & tomato with lettuce. 

But i didnt finish my fried rice. The anti depressant medicine gave me a headache through out the day. Been drinking loads of water and i kept peeing omg. 

Went home and saw a cute white dog and i squealed like a small kid. (Sudden rush of endorphines kekekeke). 

Reached home, told Babe & Aiqa i made a new friend. I had a long cold shower. Washed my hair, scrubbed my body & washed my face, i felt so freshed and smell niiceeeeeeeee ! 

Right now, i am so indecisive if i should head down and get prata. It has been awhile since i had prata with dhal. 

And Babe has finally landed ! Weeeeeeee ! 

XoXo ♥️

_galangal_ 

A visit to the Psychiatrist

Dear Diary, 

Surprisingly the visit was dreadful of waiting. The A&E was empty but took me 3 hours in total of the whole process. 30 mins to be called, 1.5 hours with the doctor and an hour for the medicine. But overall the staffs are nice. I love nice people. 

It took a toll of another crying session, without sleep and being tired. I told about what happened in my life, how my family always judged, gave sarcastic remarks, being felt abandon & how much i wanted to have good family quality times. I tolf about how i had always seen the good in people despite being told that this person isnt a good one. I simply dont judge. That much of an empathy i always had in myself for people. Gradually, it took upon my mental health, my positiveness, my smile, my will power & myself as a human. 

I had never been this broken. Each time i felt that low, i would have always do the things i love to do. The numbet favourite - cooking. I have lost interest in everything that i love to do. 

The doctor asked do i felt worried ? I said. I sm worried if i lost the strongest pillars in my life - my grandmother. Where will i go. How do i seek shelter. To whom can i look forward to esch time i reach he to talk ?  That was my worst worry. 

The doctor diagnosed me with SRS (Stress Response Syndrome) also known as Adjustment Disorder or Situational Depression. He mentioned that the signs maybe an early stage of depression but it was good that i came early to get myself treated so that i could get help and heal slowly. 

Appointment has been fixed to the nearest Polyclinic (in Queenstown) and i am praying that i will get well, get myself back and be happy once again. 

XoXo ❤️

_galangal_

Exhausted. Overwhelmed.

Dear Diary, 

As day passed by, i have lost concentration. Loss of appetite and had always wanted to cry. I broke down in the middle of the kitchen while cleaning. 

The sadness is just undescribable. No suicidal thoughts but just sad. As much as i receive support, but the emptiness, the sadness & the trauma is still lingering. 

Trust towards people is beginning to decrease and i am at lost to identify who are the people for me. I am still trying hard to fight through this. I am in doubts of whether people say they love me just for the sake of saying or they really meant it. 

I have lost hope in Love that i have wanted and yearned for. So empty within that all i felt was pain and sadness. 

Suffocating in deed 

_galangal_ 

A letter to Aiqa

Dear Diary,

I am going to write a letter to Aiqa. 

Dear Aiqa, 

I am grateful that Allah send me you. Thank you for being my Soul Sister. How i wished that Allah gave me you as my own sister. 

You were never a dissapointment in my life. I had someone to share my stories with which i never had with my own siblings. 

I envied other peoples sibling relationship. They had alwayd been there for one another. Unlike mine. Its all falling apart. Or maybe i am not destinied to have that kind of siblings. 

Aiqa, do know, till the day that i die, you will always be my sister by soul. I love you so much. 

Lots of Love, 

Along 

A letter to My Father

 Dear Diary, 

I will be writing a letter to my dad.

Dear Ayah, 

Similar like Mama's letter. My childhood wasn't that great. Full of violence & made me in fear to speak my thoughts out & to ask a lot of question. Again, i know Lala was your favorite. I was the outcast one. Had only gotten attention from Mak & late Bapak. 

You did so much for Lala but never much for me. I worked my ass off, till what i became today. Till you realized that Lala did a lot of hurt towards you & you only started to get closed to me after i got engaged. 

It had always been " you are big enough to think, to know & etc". Whereas i yearn for my parents love & attention. Which i had never had since young. 

You didnt spend a lot of time with me too. It has always been Haikal, Zahidah & Emma. As usual i had always been excluded. I am like anak terbiar when everyone is out with their own family. Whereas mine, i had nothing. I only had Mak & Mak is kinda old to be walking around here & there. 

The reason i had always been with my friends was because my family did not have time for me. Cannot find time with me. 

I just felt my life was fucked up Ayah. :,(

Love, 

Your eldet daughter

A letter to my Mother

 Dear Diary, 

I would like to write a letter to everyone.

Dear Mama, 

Through out my entire 29 years of life with you, never have I was rude, being insolent, disrespect you or talk behind your back. I listened to all your command. To be a clever child & had always studied hard to achieve good grades in school. 

The trauma that you have put me through, made a huge impact in life as a human being. Since I was a child, i had always being called an introvert. Kept things to myself, not wanting to make friends & had always been day dreaming. 

Do you know why ? FEAR. The fear of being judge as a person. I am not pretty. Not the popular girl in school. You had always differentiate me & other people's children who are skinny, smart & clean. But how was i suppose to be all of that whereas you did not brought me up well ?

Living in fear of getting beaten up, my head being hit towards the wall for the mistakes that could be rectify, for the mistakes that my siblings did & for the anger you had for Ayah. Do you know this caused me trauma ? 

As i grew older and the amount of religion that was taught, i have learnt to accept the fact that no matter what is it, you are still my mother. Everyday, i tried my best to be a better daughter. Yes i turned rebel. But did you know why ? It is not because i mixed with wrong company. It was because that kind of company gave me a SAFE place which i can confide into. Got love & attention from and i could talk about anything.

Ma, i was there for you. During the time you wanted to commit suicide by swallowing all the pills as you caught Ayah cheating ? When you got chased out by one of our relatives, i was there for you Ma. Living in an interim flat with a drug abuser. Everyday we prayed so that person could move out asap. Till we got to select our rental flat like finally after 2 years of waiting ? I was the one who went to look around that area and told you which unit to take. Literally i was there for you Ma.

But you had always find my mistakes and such. You had always hate the things that i do because you wanted things to be in your way. 

You even blamed me that i had someone else that was why i did not agree to marry Abdullah. But did you know what i went through with him? I tried talking to you Ma. But you did not want to listen. You had only find fault with me. Blaming me for the things that i never did. Today you failed to pass me back my Debit Card. I do not know if you kept forgetting or was there someone who avoided you to pass my card ? You didnt even invite me for dinner last Sunday. Why Ma ? It is so saddening because some people lost their mother but i have a mother whom i cannot seek shelter, comfort & cry my sorrow out. 

Am i not your child Ma? Am i not a good daughter to you ? 

I have tried my best Ma. I really did. Do know for whatever it is, you are still my mother. 

With much love, 

Your eldest daughter

Dont You Worry - BEP

Don't you worry
Don't you worry about a thing
'Cause everything's gonna be alright
Everything's gonna be alright
So don't you worry
Don't you worry about a thing
'Cause everything's gonna be alright
Everything's gonna be alright

It's gon' be al-, be alright
Thumbs up vibe
Ready for the night
Lit like a light
'Bout to take a flight
Get higher than a kite
Floatin' on the sky
Look mama, I can fly

I feel so alive, I'ma live my best life
Do just, do just what I like
Get that, get that, get that press
I was down now I rise up
Head up and my eyes up
I keep getting wiser
Then I realize that everything will be

Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh
Kay, eh-ay, eh-ay, okay
This is how we do it, baby, this is what we say
Eso es lo que tú y yo vamo' a hace'

Don't you worry
Don't you worry about a thing
'Cause everything's gonna be alright
Everything's gonna be alright
So don't you worry
Don't you worry about a thing
'Cause everything's gonna be alright
Everything's gonna be alright

It's gon' be o-, be okay
Work hard, play hard
That's the only way (ayy)
I'ma live my life like everyday's a holiday (ayy)
Time to celebrate (ayy)
Time to elevate

Hold up, wait
Tres, cuatro, cinco, seis
Take it to the top, top, top, like, ooh
We don't stop, stop, keep on movin' makin' moves
Take a shot, shot, take a shot, take a few
We gon' keep on doin' what we do
'Cause everyday will be

Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh
Kay, eh-ay, eh-ay, okay
This is how we do it, baby, this is what we say
Eso es lo que tú y yo vamo' a hace'

Don't you worry
Don't you worry about a thing
'Cause everything's gonna be alright
Everything's gonna be alright
So don't you worry
Don't you worry about a thing
'Cause everything's gonna be alright
Everything's gonna be alright

Exhausted ☹️

Dear Diary, 

I had a long sleep last night but i woke up feeling super exhausted. 

Had a long shower after i packed my lunch & prepared my breakfast. Washed my hair, scrub all over my body and got ready for work. Took my breakfast (i ate half of it) and sat down at the sofa, waiting for time to leave. 

IMH called me up in the morning to check up on me and asked me how i was feeling and all. Chloe sat on me for a long time (maybe she missed mummy cause she only came home during Subuh or maybe she knew i was feeling low & still sad. The staff asked if i still have suicidal thoughts and i said No. Just feeling exhausted cause i cried the whole day yesterday. 

 Came to work on time and started to arrange my snacks (healthy ones okea dont judge) and felt like an accomplishment to sort it out in an orderly manner. 

Had a slight headache and tried rubbing some ointment on my forehead and felt the crack that made me bring back to the time when my mom & my dad used to bang my head against the wall each time they were mad at me. I cant concentrate at work much but still trying my best to tahan till i reach home. 

XoXo ❤️

_galangal_ 

The Person I Have Always Wanted❤️

Dear Diary, 

I am typing it down so that i would not forgot it when the counselor gonna talk to me again next Friday. I hope this is logically realistic. 

The person that i had always wanted; 

I have never base a person via it looks, status, race, religion & history. I had always see the good in a person. I had always wanted a person whom i could always talk to. Any topic that we could sync. Yes doesnt have to be always agree to what i said. But a person whom i can talk to about ANYTHING. A person who will never give up on me. Who shows me that i am loved, being cared for & no matter what happens, we will go through things together. A person who do things together with me. Whatever it is, together. Be it going on a hike, play sports, catch a movie or a night walk or even travel, its just together. I am not possesive. But i like to do things in pairs. Two is better than One 😉. A person who could give and take. If i am down, he is up there and pull me up. Vice versa. Always there for one another. Be it physically & emotionally. The person who assure me that he is there. One day i am the receiver the next day i am the giver. Give and take i shall say. 

There will be ups and downs in a relationship. But as long as we are in the same boat, got a grip of each other to the right goals & achievement, we will make it. Money doesnt define love. Trust & Communication is the strongest pillars then comes Loyalty & Honesty. These fours are the top pillars to sustain Love in a relationship. 

The weather is so good tonight. Rest assured i am going to have a long sleep after a day of crying. Maybe half i shall say. 

XoXo 💋,

_galangal_ 

Seeking Help

Dear Diary, 

I slept at 2 am last night. But kept waking up intervally due to the itch that i always had around my thighs & buttocks. 

Mak woke up me up at 7 am for a jog but i somehow could not. Woke up at 10.50 am & was just in time to order Big Breakfast deluxe from MCd. Hehehe. I didnt have Mcd breakfast in July. Which means i can have it twice ! 

Today i had a counselling via Zoom which i will share later on. After that, i brought Mak to Sheng Siong to buy groceries. Bought quite a handful for groceries for home & work. Went home to put all the bags and parked the trolley at the void deck (Babe will always judge me for this. ALWAYS) Then head down to the newly renovated Ayer Rajah Food Court. Ordered Indian Rojak with Satay. Been awhile i brought her out for dinner. 

Treated Anjang & Cik Ali too for dinner since their workplace was nearby. I really love the Satay here. Shall head here again in the future. 

Today at 2pm, the counselor called via Zoom. I havent even started i already cried a bucket. I talked about my trauma. How i am not close to my family. How i didnt have the courage to speak up more to my family whenever i am having problems. The trauma of being judge, being penalize, being shamed & being mentioned not remembering Allah or i am just following my emotions. That leaded me to be keeping alot to myself. 

I talked about how i was as a person, i had always put others 1st ahead of me but i didnt get anything in return but being hurt on and on. I had always been a giver but never a receiver. 

I talked about how i am now, having fear to trust that there are people for. Having fear that people would give up on me because of my current stage. My worst downfall in life. How others are not there for me when i really need to talk. How i need a person who could just come to me automatically mett me and just give me a long hug and let me cry all out & tell me "we got this. Im in this with you. You will get better". 

I talked about my suicide attempts & thoughts. The reason i hold on to it was because of 1 main person. My grandmother. Half of me says "End it Syima. Just jump and die. You have been in a lot of pain for so long". Another part of me "Remember Mak. She only has you to look up to." 

The counselor urgently told me to go to IMH asap to seek immediate Psychiatrist help & medication. She mentioned to do things that could distract my attention. She mentioned to journal it down of hoe my day is going. She even mentioned to do abit of Homework on what do i expect from a partner and we will discuss it again next Friday.

I called IMH if i could get an appointment via call. (Stupid but i know i couldnt) and they asked what happened and i told them the same thing. They urgently tell me to go to IMH but i could only go on Sunday. They were worried as 5 days is quite long to seek help from IMH. They asked for close friends numbers so that they could call them. I had only given Aiqa's & Naqiah's. I couldnt give Babe's number as Babe is out of SG. 

I cried a lot today. Sharing all my problems, my feelings, my trauma & my fears. My closest friend, especially Naqiah, just couldnt believe that i am at this plight as she forsee me as the strongest woman she had ever met. She was wrong. I wasnt. 

Dear Jags, 

I might need to miss this Sunday's match. My prayers will always be with you guys. Aamiin. 

Xoxo, ❤️

_galangal_

Self Love ❤️

Dear Diary,

After work i decided to treat myself to Pistachio Crepe @ MadlyGood. Should have gotten the waffles instead but itsokay. I shall wait for Babe to be back in Mainland and have waffles with him instead. I really miss that annoying ass. 

I had been hard on myself, trying to get good with my emotions, my well being, mental health & my happiness. Have not been eating well & sleeping well eversince i decided not to agree to the wedding. My maternal side wasnt that happy which they did know my side of the story. I shall continue that part whenever i am ready. 

Surprisingly Babe gave me a call before i reached the cafe. The thoughts that count is greatly appreciated. When i sat at the cafe, look at the Rink and i remember Jia Xin. Thought she was working on that day but sadly not. Crepe came in 10 minutes but sadly i couldnt finish it up. Had been for a few months i couldnt finish my food or i ate smaller portions. But itsokay, start small and end it big but not to grow big for sure. Unless bigger boobs and a firmer ass like Beyonce. 👅👅👅

Walked out of the cafe and passed by the Claw Machine. Spent 30$ and hoping to get the Snorlax but gotten the Minion instead. Minion pon miniom lah. At least i have gotten something. 

Didnt want to go home but yeah i calmed myself down and comfort myself to go home cause Mak will for sure wait for me. 

So earlier on today, i thought it through, - i needed help. Last night, i was on suicidal thoughts again and gotten a grip of myself and went for a run. Ran for a good 1.5 hours and my lungs. I cried while running cause i didnt know who should i confide in to pour my sadness out and tell me "hey it is okay. I am here. No matter what happens, we are going through this together." I only had that once. But then i never. i started to keep it to myself cause of the trust towards others were getting thinner. What if i share or pour out my sadness and then they judged me ? Then they left me because i am difficult or childish ? 

I never had a great childhood. it had always been violence and fear. The only comfort & shelter i seeked was from my grandparents. But that was not the kind of love, attention & affection that i had always wanted. 

I had given up seeking love. The more i seek, the more heartbreak i received. If Babe was sent by Allah, i am grateful for that. But if he is not, i would never love again neither could i. 

I submitted an email to the Silver Ribbon Project to seek help for counselling. In totality, i had tried to commit suicide twice & once on Suicidal thoughts. The centre called me at around 2 pm & fix an appointment for me with a counsellor 2 pm tomorrow. Hopefully with this, i could heal from the past and move on with life with full of happiness for myself. 

Its not that i dont want to lose Babe. But he was my person. A character of a person that i had always wanted to be in life. The Male version of Galangal. Mostly sweet at times with a dash of humor, annoying & could joke around with. But i do not want to hurt him despite of all this sadness i had in me. The fear, the trauma & all those negativity. If only i had met Babe very early, i guess i would be the most happiest woman on Earth. 

I know i suck now. It is not that i am self pity on myself. I just want a person who never gives up on me and push mr through all these so that i could stand on my feet again - STRONGER. I do not know how am i suppose to put this in a way to make Babe understand what i really wanted. But itsokay, time will tell. 

That is all for tonight. Will update how the counselling goes tomorrow. 

Love, 

XoXo

_galangal_ 

Hello ❤️

 Dear Diary, 

It has been years eversince i wrote about my life journey. 16 years to be exact ? 

16 years full of emotional rides. Tears, laughter, anger, dissapointment, achievement, failure love. Never once there was hatred in for anyone. 

Lately, i had the most downfall of my life. I had never been this sad. So much of sadness that i felt i might annoy someone who i am dearly attached to. 

Last night was the 3rd suicidal attempt i tried to do. The sadness i had, the grief i had and the emptiness i had in me was so deep that i thought ending my life would be the only solution. 

Lately i had so much of trust issues. With everybody. I no longer trust humans with whatever they said. All along humans only promise by words but never by actions. 

I have never been anyone who could really put up with my tantrum or when i just want to let out what i felt. Or maybe anyone whom i could cry my lungs out and be okay the next minute. Even so if there was, it was only once and it started to fade. It was no longer like the start. Maybe the person is losing a grip of me. I dont know. Dont want to assume because i am tired of being hurt.

I had stopped talking about what i felt to anyone because i do not want to hurt anybody. That is where i end up here. I cant be talking to myself and writing is just too old school 🤪🤪🤪 

Maybe they dont understand. Or it was just me who does not know how to express what i felt that others assume i am being childish. That is all i have to say for today. Thought of comforting myself to Madly Good's pistachio crepe later on. 

Signing off, 

XoXo 

_galangal_ ❤️